


alumni relations

by sanetoshiapologist



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Past Rey/Amilyn Holdo, can you tell I'm a psych major at a small liberal arts college, copious amounts of angsty backstory, oh my god they were friends with benefits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:20:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 22,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25582753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanetoshiapologist/pseuds/sanetoshiapologist
Summary: Rey is about to move to the condiment station when someone says her name.She whirls around, and almost drops her tray, because Ben Organa-Solo is standing right there.She tries to take him in without seeming too obvious. He’s wearing a button down shirt and tie, and his hair is a little longer than it was the last time she saw him— what, eleven years ago now?— but he’s still stupidly tall and broad.And hot, her horny lizard brain unhelpfully supplies. Unfairly hot.—Nine years after graduating, Rey is working at the Takodana College Alumni Relations office and in the midst of a divorce when her old friend with benefits Ben returns as a professor. They make a deal, and it may be the change she's desperately needed.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 24
Kudos: 169
Collections: Ijustfellintothissendhelp





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Doing the Unstuck](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15877074) by [slipgoingunder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/slipgoingunder/pseuds/slipgoingunder). 



> This is very much inspired by the fantastic Doing the Unstuck, which also features bitchy ex-wife Amilyn. I highly recommend checking it out if you haven't already.
> 
> Also, shout out to the vibes of Taylor Swift's folklore, and to the wonderful, wonderful college that Takodana is based on. I'm taking the fall semester off, and I miss campus so much it kind of hurts. Much love to all my fellow students <3

“This is Rey from Takodana Alumni Relations, Class of 2011, how may I help you?”

Poe, her desk neighbor, snickers as the no doubt ancient alum on the other end of the line launches into a tirade about the delays in construction for the new golf course. 

“Mm-hm, mm-hm, we hear your concerns,” Rey says, trying to sound as pleasant as possible, as she lobs a crumpled up Post-it note at Poe’s head. “I’ll be sure to pass that on to the administration. Will that be all today?”

Mercifully, it is. Rey hangs up, and rolls her eyes at Poe. “I think that’s the fifth golf course complaint this week?”

“Cut ‘em some slack, Rey,” Poe says, smirking. “Are you really expecting them to play on the plebeian grass on the old course?”

“Yeah, how dare admin invest in the equity office instead,” Rey retorts. “What is this, the 21st century?”

Talking to crotchety alums is always the worst part of her day. Their boss insists that they all do so for a couple hours a week, even though Rey privately thinks this is something they should just have the student employees take care of. The friendly alums, some of which had been at Takodana at the same time as her, are too few and far between.

“Just a half an hour more, Rey-baby. You got this.” Poe pats her on the shoulder, turning back to his laptop.

Rey glares at the phone on her desk, bracing herself for the next call. Nine years out of college and here she is, answering calls from randos who went to the same school as her and are probably out there living infinitely cooler lives.

It's a conversation she has with herself nearly every day. _You should be grateful you have a steady job_ , she tells herself, regurgitating the same old arguments, _plus good benefits plus coworkers you mostly like_.

 _But there’s nothing keeping you here anymore,_ another traitorous part of her whispers.

As the phone rings once more, Rey pushes that thought away.

If only that were true.

After work, Rey grabs dinner with Finn at the snack bar in the student center, which he’d liked to joke resembled “an ugly ass bamboo shoot” as it was built during their freshman year. Despite looking like a modernist nightmare from the outside, it’s always been one of their favorite campus spots.

“Well, if it isn’t Mr. Director of the Office of Inclusion and Equity himself,” Rey exclaims, sliding into their favorite corner booth. “How was work today?”

Finn heaves a sigh. “Not the greatest. I had a meeting with Phasma— the finance lady— and it’s not looking great for our budget.”

“Well, that’s dumb. They just created the office!” Rey grumbles. “You know she’d rather put that money towards the new golf courses or some other bullshit.”

“I guess this is what I get for working in higher ed.” Finn shakes his head, picking at his plate of fries. “All talk and no action.”

“I know you’re gonna convince her,” Rey tells him, stealing a fry off his plate and dunking it in ketchup. “If you can’t change this place, no one can.”

Finn just came back to Takodana to revamp the crumbling “multicultural” center, and Rey can’t be more excited that he’s here. They’ve been inseparable ever since they met at first-gen orientation the week before the rest of the freshmen moved in, relieved to meet another foster kid at this fancy college they felt like they could never belong at. 

“Thanks, peanut.” He manages a half-smile. “We haven’t caught up in a while! How’s stuff at home?”

“Oh, you know,” Rey says, moving to steal another fry and scowling when Finn swats her hand away. “Living with my ex-wife. Same old, same old.”

She reflexively looks around to make sure no one heard, but it’s deserted aside from a few students studying across the room, hunched over their textbooks with their earbuds in. 

Finn grimaces. “So Amilyn’s being her charming old self?”

“You wouldn’t believe that a lesbian with purple hair could be so uptight,” Rey grouses. “She’s always talking about ‘boundaries,’ like that’s gonna do any good. We were together for seven years! I moved to the other guest room so I wouldn’t have to share a floor with her.”

Finn shakes his head sympathetically. “You know you’re always welcome to come stay with me.”

“She’s convinced that me moving out is gonna ruin everything for her. Like anyone gives a crap about our marriage,” Rey says. “But anyways, there’s no way she’ll let me leave until she hears if she got dean.”

“I guess she has a point. You know admin would love to have an excuse to not promote more gays,” Finn sighs. “Doesn’t mean she should hold you hostage, though.”

“Order for Rey!”

“Oh, thank God, I’m starving.” Rey races to pick up her veggie burger and curly fries from the counter, smiles and thanks the student worker at the grill, and is about to move to the condiment station when someone says her name.

Rey whirls around, and almost drops her tray, because Ben Organa-Solo is standing right there, at the ketchup dispenser.

She tries to take him in without seeming too obvious. He’s wearing a button down shirt and tie, and his hair is a little longer than it was the last time she saw him— what, eleven years ago now?— but he’s still stupidly tall and broad.

 _And hot,_ her horny lizard brain unhelpfully supplies. _Unfairly hot._

“Ben,” Rey hears herself say. “What are you doing here?”


	2. Chapter 2

Everyone knew who Ben Organa-Solo was, of course— fourth-generation legacy student, son of Senator Leia Organa, Dean’s List every semester— but Rey didn’t actually meet him until Finn dragged her to one of their rugby parties in February of their sophomore year.

She only agreed to come because she heard that Jess Pava might be there, and all of her new Queer Student Union friends insisted that Jess was too cool and stylish to not be at least a _little_ queer.

Rey figured it was worth a shot: she’d had a crush on Jess since they had econ together freshman spring, and had still yet to kiss a girl. Finn had spent the entire week encouraging her to “explore her sexuality,” though Rey suspected this had more to do with convincing her to come to his party.

And that was how Rey found herself moodily sipping Natty Light as she watched Jess swap spit with one of Finn’s meathead teammates from across the room. It was so suffocatingly hot in here, and she could barely hear herself think over the din of the crowd and the pounding of the bass.

“I think I need some air,” she half-shouted at Finn next to her. Before he could reply, she set her beer on the nearby table, and slipped out onto the back porch of the rugby house.

So relieved to be outside in the cold, Rey failed to notice the person standing just a few feet away. “It’s kind of amazing how hot it can get in there when it’s 10 degrees out.”

Startled, she whipped around to face Ben Organa-Solo, wearing his rugby jacket and leaning on the porch railing. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He held out a hand that looked twice as big as hers. “I’m Ben.”

Rey normally would have immediately fled back into the party, but despite the fact that he dwarfed her, she somehow wasn’t intimidated by him. “Rey Niima.” She shook his hand. “I’m Finn Storm’s roommate.”

“Wait, I know you.” Ben narrowed his eyes at her. “You were a comp sci TA, right?”

“Yep, that’s me,” Rey sighed. She’d been an intro computer science grading TA last semester, spending her weekends marking up dozens of problem sets, and had gained a reputation for being especially harsh. Mondays would always bring at least five emails in her inbox begging for points back.

Ben shook his head. “God, you destroyed us every week. You couldn’t take it easy on a senior trying to finish requirements?”

“I never looked at the names,” Rey said defensively. “Not sure that I have much sympathy for people who don’t get their STEM creds until last minute. Let me guess: econ bro?”

Ben shook his head, looking amused. “Nice try. Psychology and public health, actually.”

 _Huh, interesting_. She had taken a couple of psych classes, just for fun, and was surprised by how much she enjoyed them. “Maybe that’s why you don’t like computers— you’re too used to thinking about people.”

Ben smiled wryly. “Interesting theory.”

A gust of frosty air, and Rey shivered, remembering that she was wearing a tiny black dress. Before she could protest, Ben had draped his jacket over her shoulders, and the weight of it made it a little easier to forget about Jess.

Standing here in the glow of the party, it was also easier to pretend that they weren’t from two different worlds, despite the fact that they took the same classes and ate the same shitty dining hall food. That he’d been able to claim this place since birth, while she’d had to claw her way here and keep proving that she deserved it.

God, she wanted to pretend so badly.

“What brings you out here?” Rey asked him, shifting a little closer. Maybe it was the two shots plus the beer, maybe it was the sting of rejection, but she was feeling bold. “It looks like there’s something on your mind.”

“I wish it was something interesting...but sometimes I just need to get away.” Ben turned to meet her gaze. His eyes were beautiful, she thought suddenly, deciding brown eyes were criminally underrated. “What about you?”

“Something like that.” Rey paused. Their faces were so close together, and she didn’t feel cold anymore. “Hey...do you wanna get out of here?”

  
  


They went to his room every time they were together, and it was always so warm curled around him that Rey couldn’t bring herself to leave even though Finn was definitely getting suspicious.

So much for kissing girls. She definitely didn’t want to think about what the Queer Student Union would think of her hooking up with Ben Organa-Solo, the epitome of the privileged straight white bro. 

So the morning after their third or fourth encounter, when Ben casually asked her if she wanted to grab a meal sometime, Rey froze as she tugged her pants back on.

 _Why would he want to be with someone like you?_ some ugly part deep inside her sneered. _You’re nothing._

She bit her lip. “I...don’t know if that’s a good idea. We probably shouldn’t tell anyone about this.”

Rey was probably imagining the flicker of disappointment on his face. He probably did this whole song and dance with dozens of other girls; who was she to him?

“Sure, Rey,” Ben said, with a shrug. “Whatever you want.”

And so as Rey made more and more excuses about why she couldn’t hang out with Finn and their other friends, Ben’s room became their little bubble. They would make a nest of pillows and watch movies on his laptop, his arm slung around her. Rey would walk Ben through the steps that she and Finn were learning in their ballroom dancing club, laughing when they tripped all over themselves, and made him try her favorite brands of instant ramen.

And they would talk for hours and hours, about everything and nothing.

Unexpectedly, Rey started sharing more about herself than she had with anyone, besides Finn. Into the late hours of the night, Rey found herself telling him about her parents left her at a gas station when she was five, promising to come back for her soon, about how she was shuffled from foster home to foster home. About how she was desperate to make it out, whatever that meant, studying long hours out of books she dug up from recycling bins and wheedled out of her apathetic teachers and borrowed from the library. The shock and then excitement and then trepidation thrumming through her veins when she found out she had gotten into her dream school.

“When you talk about it like that, you make me appreciate this place so much more,” Ben told her, carding a hand through her hair. “I’ve always taken it for granted. I wanted to escape it, actually. I only came here because I didn’t get into any of my top choices.”

As much as she often struggled here, Rey couldn’t imagine wanting to escape this wonderful safe haven, where she didn’t just have to survive. She still had to pinch herself sometimes. “Why did you want to leave?”

Ben looked away from her, his eyes fixed on a tiny crack in the ceiling. “I...don’t have the best relationship with my family. My mom was working or traveling all the time, and my dad was either with her or off doing who knows what, so they left me with my uncle a lot— Professor Skywalker, in the religion department.

“We never got along. I was an angry kid who got into fights a lot, and Luke was always trying to control me. He thought he could fix me by just trying to get me to meditate more, or something. One summer he sent me to this awful hippie boot camp for ‘troubled teens,’ and my parents just let him. They never defended me.”

He was shaking, just a little. Rey took his hand, pressed her lips to his knuckles. “I’m really sorry you had to go through that.”

Ben shook his head. “I just needed a good therapist, not the quacks Luke sent me to. So many kids do.”

“Is that why you became a psych major?”

“I think so. I guess it’s a little selfish.” She was still holding his hand, and he traced circles in her palm. “Why do you study comp sci?”

“It’s useful, and I’m good at it, I guess.” Rey paused. “I actually took a couple psych classes last year. I really liked them.”

Ben smiled— a real, genuine smile. “Maybe something to consider. You don’t need to have everything figured out right now.”

These were the words Rey repeated to herself when she declared a psychology major and computer science minor later that spring, imagining the way he would smile when she told him.

  
  


In early April, Rey failed a test for the first time in her life, and by the time Friday night rolled around, she just wanted to get fucked up. She let Finn drag her to the rugby house again, and tried not to look at Ben across the room, looking as beautiful as always, everything she couldn’t really have.

When Finn asked if it was okay if he left early with a cute guy from his math class, Rey waved him off and assured him that she would be fine.

Five or six shots later with some people she only sort of knew, she was decidedly less so.

Leaning into the kitchen counter for support, Rey could distantly tell that some guy was hitting on her, but everything was swimming around her and she couldn’t really follow what she was saying. He was touching her arm, and all she could do was nod.

Suddenly, Ben was at her side, pulling her away from the guy, and the next thing she knew, they were outside, leading her back to the dorms.

“What’s going on?” Rey mumbled into his shoulder.

“We’re going home, Rey,” he told her, so gentle she could cry. “You’re fine.”

Ben helped her up the four flights of stairs to the room she shared with Finn, and then into bed, tugging her shoes and socks off, tucking her comforter around her. He stepped out to fill up her water bottle, and set it on her desk.

“Please stay,” Rey croaked, as he was leaning in to kiss her goodbye. 

A beat of hesitation. “Alright,” Ben said, climbing under the covers, so warm and solid around her. “Whatever you want, Rey.”

  
  


Rey woke the next morning with a pounding headache, squinting at the light streaming in through the blinds. She was in her room, she realized with a start. And Ben was with her. Why was he here?

Ben stirred, stretching his arms above his head with a yawn. “Morning, sleeping beauty. How are you feeling?”

“What are you doing here?” Rey blurted out, harsher than she meant to. She was just so disoriented.

He sat up, furrowing his brow at her. “What do you mean? You asked me to stay.”

Memories of last night came flooding back, and Rey sat up with horror, ignoring the dark spots that danced before her eyes. “Oh my God, last night. Everyone must have seen you taking me back.”

“What’s the big deal?” Ben swung his legs over the side of the bed, looking defensive. “What was I supposed to do, let that guy creep on you?”

“I don’t need you to save me, Ben,” Rey snapped. Not wanting to see the look of hurt on his face, she slid off the bed and turned away from him, staring at Finn’s unmade bed. “God, we’re so dumb. Finn could’ve come back at any time.”

“You asked me to stay, Rey,” Ben repeated. His voice was steady, but there was an undercurrent of tension there that scared her. “Hold on, Finn doesn’t know about us? He’s your best friend.”

A pause. “Are you really that embarrassed about me?”

Rey wished she could find the words to explain everything— how she had spent the entire year trying to accept that she liked girls too, how she wasn’t remotely ready for a relationship, not with anyone.

How she didn’t think she was good enough for him.

Rey steeled herself, and turned around to face him. “Ben, I—”

"You know what, don’t bother. I get it.” Ben tugged his sneakers on and grabbed his jacket off the floor, practically vibrating with the boyhood anger that he had told her so much about.

Before she could ask him to stay again, the door slammed shut and Rey was alone, too stunned to even cry.

“I’m guessing things didn’t work out with your special someone?” Finn asked her over lunch, a week after that miserable morning, when Ben started acting like she didn’t exist.

“Huh?” Ben was just a few tables away, laughing and housing cheeseburgers with his friends, and she was doing her best not to stare.

“I’m not an idiot, Rey,” Finn huffed. “You were never home. I feel like I’ve barely seen you for months.”

God, she had been such a horrible friend. “I’m really sorry,” Rey mumbled, shoving a forkful of lettuce into her mouth to try to distract herself from the tears she felt coming on. It tasted like sand in her mouth. “Are you mad at me?”

“No, peanut,” Finn sighed, ever the patient saint she didn’t deserve. “As long as you promise to tell me about it when you’re ready.”

While Rey did, eventually, a month later during wine night, she was never honest with Finn about how much she carried Ben with her.

She thought about him often in her two years as a project coordinator at a Coruscant University psychology lab post-graduation, and as she started her master’s degree there.

When she met Professor Amilyn Holdo at a party, and her quiet intensity instantly reminded her of him. When Amilyn was offered a position at Takodana, and Rey left her program to follow her there.

When she walked past his old dorm on her way to work, and thought about how disappointed Ben would be if he could see her now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wish my sophomore year friend with benefits had been soft rugby boy Ben Solo and not a bland ass track guy 😩


	3. Chapter 3

“What are you doing here?” Rey blurts out, before she can stop herself. 

Ben raises an eyebrow at her. He’s grown into his ears and nose more since the last time she saw him, but there’s an unfamiliar weariness in his face. “I could ask the same of you.”

“I work for Alumni Relations— I do most of the website and graphic design stuff,” she tells him, trying to not read too much into his facial expressions. “But I asked you first.”

Rey glances at his hand. _No ring_ , she can’t help but note. “I work here too, actually,” Ben says carefully, like he’s not used to it yet. “I accepted a visiting assistant professor position. Psychology.”

Why hasn’t Amilyn told her about this? She would always tell Rey about the Takodana alums who interviewed or taught in her department.

Then again, a lot has changed.

She sets her tray back down on the counter, feeling silly loaded down by her mountain of curly fries. “Oh wow, congrats. My wife is the department chair, actually. Amilyn Holdo?” she asks stupidly, as if Ben doesn’t know who Amilyn is.

If Ben is surprised, he does a fantastic job of hiding it. “Oh, I didn’t know you and Amilyn were together.”

“Going on eight years,” Rey says feebly, like a total idiot. It’ll be a miracle if Ben doesn’t immediately see through her bullshit.

“Rey, what’s the— oh my God, Solo?” Finn stops dead in his tracks, gawking at Ben. 

“You too, Storm?” Ben looks faintly amused. “It's basically a reunion.”

“Somebody call Alumni Relations,” Finn jokes weakly. It’s a serious struggle for Rey not to slap him for that.

“Well, I better get going. My veggie burger calls,” Ben lifts up his to-go container, before nodding at them. “It was great seeing you two.”

“See you around!” Finn calls after him, waiting until he disappears out the door before shoving Rey’s shoulder. “Holy shit, that did not just happen.”

“I think it did,” Rey says faintly, finally getting the ketchup and honey mustard she came here for. “Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any more weird and confusing. Thanks, universe.”

Finn gasps theatrically. “Wait, you should totally fuck him. He could be your rebound guy!”

“Yeah, I bet Amilyn would love that,” Rey says, rolling her eyes. “Come on, let’s just finish dinner.”

Finn sighs in a way that Rey knows means _Please stop letting your ex-wife control your life_ , but she ignores him, stuffing a lukewarm curly fry into her mouth and shoving past him on her way back to their booth.

Amilyn is reading at the table when Rey walks into the kitchen, desperately craving a cup of tea. “You’re home late,” she says, barely sparing her a glance.

"I took a walk,” Rey mumbles, filling up the kettle on the counter facing Amilyn. She wonders, not for the first time, if she’ll get to keep it when she finally moves out.

Amilyn had offered to let Rey have the house, but Rey has her pride; the last thing she wants is to live alone in this too-big house that Amilyn had paid for, surrounded by reminders of her old life. “You didn’t tell me about the new visiting professor.”

“I didn’t think you would be interested.” Amilyn flips to the next page in her magazine. “Young Ben Solo...you two were here at the same time, weren’t you?”

“He was two years ahead of me.” Rey frowns. “Wait, Ben Solo? What happened to the Organa?”

“Oh, he dropped it from his professional name. Something about not wanting people to associate him with his mother.” Amilyn shakes her head. “It’s a shame, really: Senator Organa is _such_ a lovely woman. I met her at a luncheon a few years back.” 

“Do you know why he’s back now? I never saw him at his reunions.” Amilyn looks up at that, raising an eyebrow, and Rey hastily adds, “At least, I don’t think I did. I might have missed him.”

No way. She hadn’t been able to stop herself from checking the list of registered alums during his fifth and tenth reunions, from scanning the quad during the brunches and barbeques and outdoor concerts. Thinking about what she would say to him if she ran into him at the dessert table, if he had a wife and kids with him.

Her water is boiling now. Rey begins steeping her cup of chamomile tea.

“I doubt you did,” Amilyn says. “It seems like he hated it here.”

 _It was a little more complicated than that_ , Rey wants to say.

“His father passed away this past spring. I’ve heard rumors that they had a big falling out years ago, but it seems like that was enough to bring him back.”

Rey feels a pang in her chest. His dad was gone?

She hadn’t really known her father, has never really felt the loss of someone who had been there for her entire life. She tries to think about what it would feel like to lose Finn, and immediately stops that train of thought. It’s unfathomable.

Instead, she imagines Ben standing by himself at the funeral, probably not far from her house. All of that fear and pain and rage, barely contained, simmering just below the surface. 

“Anyways, I do hope Mr. Solo has matured. He’s definitely a brilliant mind,” Amilyn says. “He did apply for the tenure track opening, so I guess that means he’s come back to his senses.”

_He wants to stay?_

Amilyn sets down her magazine and peers up at Rey. As usual, it feels like she’s being scanned for weak points, fault lines. “Why do you ask? Do you know him well?”

“Not particularly,” Rey lies, trying to shrug casually. “I just ran into him today.”

“Well, I invited him over for dinner next week, so you can ask him more questions then.”

Rey freezes as she lifts her mug to her mouth. “Wait, what?”

“Just to welcome him to the department,” Amilyn says breezily. “I want to be better about making it a more inviting space for new faculty.”

It takes all of Rey’s willpower not to roll her eyes. _Yeah, right. Like this isn’t all about becoming dean._

If there’s one thing that Rey knows about Amilyn, it’s that everything about her is meticulously curated, from her clothes to her mannerisms to the decor that Rey had zero part in picking out. Even the smallest decision can’t be made without some convoluted cost-benefit analysis.

It was what drew Rey to her in the first place— how everything about Amilyn seemed so mature and neat and purposeful. How it felt like she could fix anything, even the mess that was Rey’s life, thrown off balance when the records came back and she learned the truth about her parents.

It had been so easy to justify dropping out of her master’s program. She was doing poorly in her classes; maybe she wasn’t cut out for academia after all. She would go back to Takodana, where things had made some semblance of sense, and then Amilyn would help her get back on her feet.

_And then you got trapped._

When Amilyn told her she wanted a divorce two months ago, she had been so calm and rational that Rey could barely process what was happening. Just stood there, too stunned to even cry.

“I was thinking about making that lemon ricotta pasta,” Amilyn says, stirring her own cup of tea. “What do you think?”


	4. Chapter 4

“I still think you should sleep with him,” Finn tells Rey, for what feels like the millionth time, as he walks her back to her office after their lunch break. “I bet the chemistry is still there. You should’ve seen the way he was checking you out!”

They pass a group of students playing frisbee on the library quad. Classes just started this week, and there’s still a feeling of summer in the air that Rey knows will vanish as soon as the weekend comes and they’re all loaded down with homework. 

“You were definitely imagining things,” Rey says, again for the millionth time. “He definitely hates me, and honestly, I deserve it. I was so, so awful to him.”

Finn swats her arm. “Girl, you’re crazy. That was over a decade again! Who doesn’t do dumb shit when they’re nineteen?”

“Ugh, stop reminding me how old we are,” Rey grumbles. “Anyways, forget about my love life. Any cute boys in town?”

“Can’t come to ‘dana single, can’t come here in a relationship,” Finn sighs, repeating the old Takodana faculty/staff adage. “No luck. The apps have been rather disappointing. So many fifty year old profs who just got divorced.”

Rey shoots him a dirty look, and Finn coughs delicately. “No offense.

They’re nearing the Alumni Relations building when Poe’s orange Prius BB-8 pulls into the parking lot. “Hey, Rey!” he chirps as he hops out, hefting his bag, a carton of files, and a ridiculously large pizza box. 

She can practically see Finn’s brain short-circuiting.

Of course. Why hasn’t she thought about Finn and Poe together before?

Rey clears her throat, grabbing Finn’s arm to steady him. “Poe, this is my friend Finn. We went here together.”

“Of course! I’ve heard so much about you,” Poe says, grinning. “Poe Dameron, at your service. I’d shake your hand, but you know.” He hefts the pizza box.

“It’s great to meet you,” Finn says, sounding a bit faint. “I’ve, uh, heard a lot about you too.”

Rey shakes her head. “Don’t let him charm you too much, Finn. The only services he provides are stealing my snacks and causing me grief on a daily basis.”

“Slander!” Poe exclaims. “I’d be clutching my pearls if I had any.”

Rolling her eyes, Rey turns to Finn. “We have a meeting to get to, but I’ll see you later?”

Finn nods and waves goodbye wordlessly, still looking slightly distant, and Rey and Poe head inside, Rey doing her best to ignore his theatrical outrage.

She’s barely reached her desk when her phone buzzes.

_ Wtf why didn’t you tell me your deskmate was hot??? _

_ How old is he? Is he single? _

**_38 I think? And yeah I think so._ **

_ Oh no do you think that’s too old for me?? _

“Rey, are you ready to go?” Poe asks, before she can reply.

Rey immediately shoves her phone into her purse. “Coming!”

Later that day, Rey heads home immediately after work to help Amilyn prepare for her silly dinner party, already exhausted by the thought of having to put on the happy couple facade all night.

The lemon ricotta pasta is already bubbling on the stove when she walks into the kitchen, and Rey has to admit that it does smell incredible. She’s definitely dreading having to actually learn how to cook for herself once she moves out.

“Could you help me make the salad?” Amilyn asks, as she stirs the pasta. “He’ll be here in twenty minutes.”

Rey starts chopping the lettuce and tomatoes and avocado. Amilyn has already prepared a homemade dressing in a little blue bowl, and is setting the table with the fancy plates and napkins that they only break out for guests. It’s the perfect picture of domestic bliss, and for a moment, Rey forgets that anything has changed.

Amilyn is queueing up the background music when the doorbell rings. “You finish up with that, Rey. I’ll get it.”

Rey mixes the salad together and carries it to the table, watching as Amilyn opens the door. “Welcome, Ben!”

“I brought some wine,” he says, awkwardly presenting it to her.  _ Why is his voice so deep? Does he do it on purpose?  _ “Thanks so much for having me.”

“Oh, it’s our pleasure.” Amilyn accepts the bottle, and Rey can tell that she’s carefully scrutinizing it. “Come in, come in.”

He peers around at Amilyn’s minimalist decor, all tasteful monochrome paintings and cream colored cushions, before his eyes meet Rey’s. She looks away, and pretends to busy herself with straightening out the silverware. “You have a very lovely home.”

“Oh, how sweet of you,” Amilyn simpers, leading him through the kitchen to the dining room. 

“Hello, Rey,” Ben says quietly, as he cautiously takes a seat at the table, unfolding the napkin over his lap.   


“Hi." She tries not to stare at the one too many open buttons on his shirt. Why is everything about him so goddamn inappropriate?

They begin to serve themselves. “How are your classes going, Ben?” Amilyn asks.

“Oh, well enough.” Ben takes a sip of wine. “I’ve forgotten how brilliant the students are here.”

“Aren’t they? They surprise me every semester,” Amilyn says. “Of course, any school where you and Rey went must be full of bright minds. Did your paths cross when you were here?”

“They did. Rey was my intro comp sci TA senior year,” Ben says smoothly, without a single trace of discomfort. “She kicked my ass every week.”

“Did she? That sounds like Rey.” Amilyn smiles warmly at her and leans over to squeeze her hand. As usual, Rey is slightly terrified at how good of an actor she is. 

The facade briefly slips, and Ben looks a bit uneasy. “How did you two meet?” he asks.

From one horribly awkward subject to another. “Before coming here I taught at Coruscant,” Amilyn tells him. “Rey was in the master’s program there, and we met at a department mixer. And that was that!”

“You have a master’s? In psychology?” Ben asks her, furrowing his brow.

Rey pushes a stray piece of pasta around her plate. “I...left with Amilyn after my first year. We didn’t want to do long distance.”

He thankfully doesn’t pry, but Rey can feel his gaze lingering on her even as the conversation moves on.

Mercifully, dinner is over after less than an hour, and Ben politely declines Amilyn’s offer to stay for coffee and dessert. 

Rey can sense Amilyn’s relief. Even though everyone had been perfectly pleasant, the tension between the two of them is palpable. It’s a bit surprising— usually everyone is completely charmed by Amilyn, herself included— and gives her a tiny stab of satisfaction.

As soon as Ben is out the door, Amilyn drops the act and sinks into the couch, burying her head in her hands. “Rey, you have to be more convincing than that. You barely talked or smiled at all.”

Rey slumps against their living room wall, crossing her arms over her chest. Normally she doesn’t pick fights with Amilyn, but she’s completely drained after tonight. “I’m just sick of performing. I don’t want to pretend to be all lovey-dovey with you.”

Amilyn heaves a sigh. “Rey, I know this is hard. Believe me, it’s hard for me too. I want nothing more than for both of us to move on, but this is where we are right now.”

Rey’s ring finger prickles, and she fights the urge to fidget with her wedding band. “Who’s gonna care if I move out?” she asks, for the umpteenth time. “I’m nobody.”

“Rey, honey, you know that people talk,” Amilyn sighs again, as always managing to make her feel like a petulant child. Rey notices that she doesn’t dispute the “nobody” thing. “And you know how admin is. A separation just doesn’t look good, and I know they’ll take any opportunity to discredit me.”

_ I guess you should have thought of that before you married me, _ Rey thinks viciously, wishing she had the courage to say it out loud.

Amilyn stands up and walks up to her, taking her hands. Rey hates how much she still leans into her touch, wants her to kiss her and tell her that everything will be alright. “Rey, please. Can you try a little harder for me?”

Even as Rey nods, something snaps inside of her.

She has to get out of here.


	5. Chapter 5

During her lunch break, Rey takes the long way to Ben’s office to avoid passing by Amilyn’s, praying that none of their colleagues see her as she hurries through the halls of their building.

Ben’s door is slightly ajar. Right now is his office hours, which Rey had looked up last night, resisting the urge to creep through his CV.

 _Last chance to chicken out._ Rey takes a deep breath, and knocks twice.

“Come in,” she hears him say, and opens the door before the instinct to flee can overwhelm her.

Ben is sitting at his desk, a pile of papers neatly stacked in front of him. “Rey,” he says, taking off his reading glasses. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”

His office is sparse, just his diplomas hanging on the wall and a spider plant in the window, a color-coded bookshelf crowded with thick books. “Just wanted to talk to you about an idea I had.”

He gestures to the chair in front of his desk, and Rey gingerly sits down. “I want to help you get that tenure track job,” she says, as confidently as she can.

Ben raises an eyebrow at her, but she can tell she’s piqued his interest. “How so?”

“No offense, but I can tell that Amilyn isn’t your biggest fan,” Rey tells him, watching his facial expressions carefully. “Obviously there are other people making the decision too, but she can make or break people’s chances. I’ve seen it happen before.

He doesn’t immediately tell her to leave his office, so she continues. “I can help you get on her good side. I know what makes her tick. What she likes, what annoys her.”

Ben leans back in his chair, completely poker faced. “What’s in it for you?”

Rey takes a deep breath. “I want you to help me reapply to grad school.”

A long moment of silence. Ben picks his pen back up and taps it against his desk. “What would that mean?”

“Giving me advice through the process,” Rey explains. “And teaching me a little. It’s been a long time, and I’m pretty rusty.”

 _Tap tap tap_. “You want me to design a one-person class for you? For free?”

“It could be super informal. Just you assigning me papers and sending me your slides from class, and talking them over with me. I can buy you coffee or lunch or whatever, and do whatever times work for you. And also help you with your research if you’ll let me.”

Ben remains impassive. She stares at the patterns of his tie— blue and green, the Takodana school colors. “Why don’t you ask your wife?”

“She does cognitive psych, and I’m interested in clinical. Like you.” Rey pauses. “And...I haven’t told her yet. I don’t want to say anything until I’m more sure.”

“Why now? You’ve been here for...how long?”

“Six years.” It’s always insane hearing herself say it out loud. “I’ve tried online classes and auditing stuff here, but it’s never worked for me. I’m ready for a change.

“You don’t have to give me an answer right away,” Rey says quickly. “I know I’m asking a lot—”

“Let’s do it,” Ben cuts her off. “You working here doesn’t make any sense. With all due respect to Alumni Relations.”

She sighs in relief. “Thank you so much, I can’t tell you how—”

“On the condition that you take this seriously,” Ben says, his gaze burning a hole through her. “If I’m going to invest time into this, I want to know that you’ll see this through.”

Rey swallows back a gulp. She’s thought it through, obviously, forwards and backwards, but this feels like way too much pressure for what had been a fairly spontaneous decision. 

_You need to get out of here,_ she reminds herself. This could be the kick in the ass she’s needed all along.

Rey nods, and they shake hands, his touch electric against her skin.

Days later, Finn is still in disbelief. “So you’re going to cozy up over books with him? Are you sure nothing’s going on?” he says, over the phone, as Rey gets ready for her first coffee meeting with Ben.

“Oh my god, shut up,” she groans, appraising herself in her bedroom mirror. “It wasn’t like that before, and it’s definitely not like that now. He’s basically my professor, I guess.”

“You say that like you’re not into it.”

Rey wishes she could scowl at him through the phone. “ _Anyways_ , the reason that I called is that I just heard back from my coworker Rose, and yeah, Poe’s single and ready to mingle.”

“Do you really think he’d be interested in me?” Finn asks. “He’s, like, an actual adult.”

“Dude, we’re thirty.”

“That’s a whole eight years younger!” he exclaims. “We have different cultural touchstones!”

“Stop being dramatic,” Rey says, as she packs her laptop and a notebook into her bag. “You both remember VHS tapes and flip phones.”

“Okay, fine. What’s the best way in? Should I slide into his DMs?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I can just ask if he’s interested and set you guys up.”

“We can’t do that! If he’s not into me it’s gonna be so awkward. He’s your work hubby, and we’re gonna probably have to hang out a lot if I want a social life here.”

“And it’s not gonna be awkward if you send him dumb Instagram DMs?” she retorts, putting her on her favorite jacket, double checking for her wallet and keys. “God, I hate dating culture nowadays. Why can’t we just be straight up about our feelings?”

His silence speaks volumes. Rey can practically see the knowing look he’s sending her through the phone. “Shut up.”

Rey arrives at the coffee shop ten minutes early, and there he is, at a big table by the window. She’d suggested this place because it was a fifteen minute drive from campus, and they’re less likely to be spotted by one of their colleagues.

He already has a cup of coffee in front of him— black, of course. 

“It was supposed to be my treat,” Rey huffs, tossing her bag on the table.

He closes his screen halfway. “You don’t need to do that. It’s nothing.”

“It’s the least I can do. I feel like I’m getting the much better end of the deal,” she insists. “Let me get it next time.” 

“Alright. Whatever you want, Rey,” Ben says quietly, an echo of a past life. 

She leaves to order her latte before he can see how much those words still cut into her.

“How do you want to do this?” Rey asks once she’s back, sliding into the seat across from him.”I don’t know if you saw, but I emailed you a guide to Amilyn.”

Ben opens his laptop back up, looking incredulously up at her after he clicks on the file. “There’s a whole five pages on how to compliment her?”

“Oh, yeah. You don’t want to seem like you’re obviously kissing her ass, or it’ll completely backfire. And don’t say anything about her hair. It gets really old.” Rey’s name is called, and she leaves to grab her drink. “This is just the first installment, by the way.”

“There’s _more_?” Ben asks, his eyes as wide as she’s ever seen them. “How could it possibly be this complicated?”

“Amilyn’s a complicated person,” Rey says defensively, taking a sip of her latte. “I wanted to be thorough.”

He continues scrolling through the document, still bemused. “None of this seems particularly flattering.”

She shrugs, doing her best to seem unruffled, as if it were normal to write a guide dissecting one’s spouse’s behavior. “That’s the reality of marriage. You really get to know someone, all of the good and the bad.”

“Huh.” Thankfully, Ben seems to accept her bullshit. “Well, how about we start with my stuff, and then we go over your...material.”

Rey nods, her pulse quickening as Ben passes her the article he’s selected for her. _Here goes nothing._  
  



	6. Chapter 6

“I’d like to hear more about your research,” Rey tells Ben, as their meeting is winding down. “You haven’t assigned me any of your work.”

In just these few weeks of sessions with him, it’s clear that Ben is an incredible professor. He challenges her and lets her puzzle her way through the material, and never makes her feel silly for asking plenty of dumb questions. 

He takes a sip of his coffee. “I was thinking that would seem a bit narcissistic, but if you’re interested...I primarily study risk and protective factors for PTSD in children and young adults. My seminar class is on developmental psychopathology.”

“Wow, that’s super interesting!” Rey says, as if she hasn’t thoroughly investigated this semester’s course catalog. “I’d really like to sit in on your lectures sometime, if you’re okay with that.”

“That’s perfectly fine with me, but don’t you have work? I teach at 11 and 2:30.”

“I have a decent amount of time off saved, and I could try to take my lunch break during your 11am,” Rey insists. “As long as you don’t mind me eating my sandwiches in the back.”

“As long as you don’t open any chip bags,” Ben says, shuddering. “It always drives me insane.”

She grins, leaning back in her chair. “I’ll be sure to bring an extra crinkly one just for you.”

Ben smiles boyishly back at her for a moment, before glancing back down at his papers, tapping his pen against his desk.

Rey fights the disappointment bubbling up, and clears her throat. “Um, I signed up for that GRE class,” she tells him. “It’s already kind of kicking my ass— I haven’t used my brain like that in forever.”

“I can imagine that it would be difficult to get back into the swing of things after that long,” Ben says evenly, before hesitating, his hands stilling. “For what it’s worth...I think you’re doing a great job.”

He never ceases to surprise her. “Thanks, Ben,” Rey says softly. “That’s worth a lot.”

“What’s it like hanging out with him?”’ Finn probes, as they set out stacks of paper cups and plates and bowls of snacks on his kitchen table.

Rey is helping him throw a shindig at his new apartment, supposedly to help welcome him back to ‘dana, but mostly because of Poe. She and Finn had compromised on coming with an excuse to invite him over and sussing out if there’s any chemistry between them.

“Not sure that’s how I’d describe what we’re doing, but...it’s pretty normal?” Rey replies. “Neither of us has explicitly acknowledged you-know-what.”

Finn pauses in pouring out a bag of Tostitos, and frowns at her. “What, do you think you should?”

“I don’t know, I just feel like I should apologize for being so terrible to him,” Rey says, worrying at her lip. “Not that there’s really any valid excuse, but I never got to actually explain anything.”

“I mean, if everything feels normal…”

“It mostly does, but I don’t know, something is off. I just don’t know how to bring it up. Like, ‘hey, remember how we used to fuck?’” Rey sighs, shaking her head. “Maybe I’m just imagining things. It _is_ just like me to sabotage a good thing.” 

The doorbell rings, and their first guests arrive— two of Rey’s work friends, Rose and Kaydel. It may not be the main purpose of this event, but she’s hoping that Finn at least gets a few new friends out of this.

Finn is talking to Snap from financial aid when Poe walks through the door twenty minutes later, looking devastatingly handsome in his signature leather jacket.

Rey excuses herself from her conversation with Rose and makes a beeline for Finn, nudging him in the side. “Hey, we need to grab some more cups.”

He follows her gaze to where Poe is already lounging on the couch and talking animatedly with Jannah from HR. “Oh, um, yes, the cups! Let’s catch up later, Snap.”

Rey half-steers Finn to the living room. When he hesitates and looks uneasily at her, she grabs his shoulders and looks him straight in the eye. “Dude, you are such a catch. If he’s not interested, he’s a dumbass and it’s his loss.”

“You’re the best, peanut,” Finn says, his face relaxing into a reluctant smile. She can’t remember the last time she saw him so nervous about a guy. “Thanks for the pep talk.”

Rey slaps him on the back. “Go get ‘em, tiger.”

When she checks her phone later, there’s a text from Finn, accompanied by a string of emojis. _I got his #!!!!_

Rey grins. _I won’t say I told you so._  
  


On her day off, Rey goes to Ben’s lecture class, Intro to Clinical Psychology. With her floral print backpack slung over her shoulder, it’s easy to blend in with the students who file into the lecture hall, coffee cups in hand, and take a seat in the back. 

Today’s class is on bipolar disorder. Ben is more self-assured in front of a classroom than he is one-on-one, barely glancing down at his notes; though he speaks somewhat quietly, there’s an intensity that seems to hold the attention of almost everyone in the room.

After the fifty minutes are up, Rey shuffles up to his desk, hanging back as a few students linger to ask him questions.

She clears her throat once he’s free. “Great lecture, professor.”

Ben looks up at her in surprise. “Rey. I didn’t even notice you were here.”

“Glad I wasn’t distracting.” She pauses, trying not to shift from foot to foot. “Hey, are you free for lunch?”

“So, any Amilyn updates?” Rey asks, over brunch at a cozy diner a few miles from campus, where she and Finn have shared many a post-drunken night out meal.

“I think things are going well,” Ben says, taking a bite out of the boring Mediterranean salad that Rey had teased him mercilessly for ordering. “I defended her when Hux tried to interrupt during a department meeting, and she seemed pleased. She complimented my work the other day.”

“Ooh, nice.” Rey pauses in cutting up her chicken and waffles. “And when you say defend—”

“I said that I didn’t think Amilyn was finished, and left it at that.”

“Ugh, perfect. You’re killing it.” She considers going in for a high five, but thankfully thinks better of it. 

Ben takes a sip out of his enormous mug of coffee. “Have you told her about grad school yet?”

 _Way to kill the mood_. Rey stares glumly at the tabletop. “Um, not yet. I just don’t know how she’ll react.”

“You don’t think she’ll be supportive?”

“I just don’t think she’d be super happy about me moving far away for school. You know, since we’re kinda in the middle of nowhere here,” Rey says, choosing her words carefully. “She likes the way things are now, and this would obviously change a lot. I quit school in the first place because of her.”

Ben narrows his eyes at her, on the verge of a scowl. “She asked you to leave?”

“Well, I guess that isn’t fair,” Rey amends, sighing. “She asked me if I wanted to come with her to ‘dana, and I...sort of leapt at the chance. I wasn’t happy at Coruscant.”

“Maybe it wasn’t the right program for you?”

She shakes her head. “No, no, it didn’t have that much to do with the program. It was more for...personal reasons.”

Ben coughs delicately. “We can talk about something else if you’re not—”

“No, no, I do want to talk about it,” Rey surprises herself by saying. “I want you to know.”

She sets down her fork and knife and exhales shakily. “Towards the end of my first year, I was studying childhood trauma, and it made me think about _my_ childhood. You know, my parents. I realized I wanted answers and Amilyn encouraged me to look into it, so we hired a PI. And after months of waiting, it turned out that my parents were just junkies who died in a car crash a year later.”

Ben looks stricken, and she has to glance away, her gaze fixed on her half-eaten plate of food. 

“They were never actually coming back for me. I guess I’m glad that I know the truth now, and I have more empathy for them now, but it really fucked me up. I was so afraid of becoming like them, it kept me up at night. I started doing badly in my classes.”

Rey starts to feel the sting of tears welling in her eyes, and blinks them back. “When Amilyn got the offer here, it felt like a sign. So I followed her. Maybe I was just looking for an excuse to give up.”

“It doesn’t say anything about you, Rey. That would be difficult for anyone,” Ben says gently, before hesitating. “I...I was scared of becoming like my parents, too. And then I kind of did anyway.

“I’m trying to fix it, but I’m afraid it’s too late. Luke hasn’t exactly welcomed me with my open arms,” he says, a tinge of bitterness in his voice.

There’s so much that Rey wants to ask about and to apologize for, but she doesn’t push, doesn’t tell him that everything will be alright. “You’re not alone.”

His eyes meet hers, and for a moment, it’s like no time has passed at all. “Neither are you.”


	7. Chapter 7

By late November, Rey’s application process is in full swing. While she waits for her GRE scores and for her past bosses and mentors to submit recommendation letters, she pores over her old textbooks at home, keeping them under her bed to hide them from Amilyn, and reads the articles Ben assigns her during downtime at work.

They’ve decided to meet in his office this morning, agreeing that they couldn’t justify spending so much on coffee and pastries every week, and Ben seems distracted. He keeps losing his train of thought and doesn’t ask as many difficult questions as he usually does.

“Something on your mind?” Rey asks eventually.

“Just holiday stuff,” Ben sighs, and sags back into his chair, tilting his head up at the ceiling. “I’m thinking about going to my mom’s for Thanksgiving this year, but it’s been years and I’m worried it’ll be too much. For all of us. I’ve been doing Saturday dinners with my mom, but I’ve barely talked to Luke or any of their friends.”

“You should go!” Rey exclaims. “I bet your mom would really love to have you there.”

“I don’t know, it might be really tense,” Ben says uneasily. “I don’t think anyone else has really forgiven me.”

Rey doesn’t know what he’s done, of course, but seeing how pained Ben is, how desperately he wants to get this right, she can’t imagine that he doesn’t deserve a second chance. 

“I could go with you,” she blurts out. “Like, as a buffer.”

“That’s really kind of you.” Ben sits up, frowning at her. “But don’t you have plans with Amilyn?”

“Oh, um,” Rey stammers, scrambling for an excuse. “Her sister’s kind of going through a rough time, and they just want it to be close family this year. It sucks, but what can you do?”

“Oh, I’m sorry about that. Well, if you don’t have any other plans...” he trails off.

She nudges his foot with hers, smiling in victory. “I can’t wait.”

“I can’t believe you’re ditching me for Solo,” Finn grouses. “Think about all we’ve been through together!”

Rey feels a stab of guilt. While things are going swimmingly with Finn and Poe, they both agree that it’s a little too soon to bring Finn home and introduce him to Poe’s entire family, so she’s sort of leaving her best friend on his own.

“What were we gonna do, eat Chinese food and watch Netflix?” Rey protests. “That’s basically just a regular Friday night for us.”

“We would’ve at least gotten a yummy rotisserie chicken,” Finn grumbles.

“We can do that whenever! Just say when.” An idea strikes her. “Hey, I bet Ben would be cool with you coming too. Didn’t you have Skywalker as a prof?”

“Oh yeah, the meditation class. He totally kicked our butts— we were all in it for an easy A, but he’s no joke,” Finn remembers, grimacing. “It _would_ be cool to meet Senator Organa. She’s kind of my personal hero.”

“So it’s a win-win!” Rey cheers. “I’m actually pretty excited. Thanksgiving with Amilyn was kind of joyless.”

“Oh right, her tofu turkey.” Finn shudders. “It sounds ghastly.”

“Plus the low sugar cranberry goop. You know she doesn’t indulge on any day of the year,” Rey says, a bit glum all of a sudden. She hasn’t thought about the fact that this is her first major holiday without Amilyn, without a sense of home and belonging. As much as she felt like an outsider in Amilyn’s childhood home, at least she’d had some semblance of family.

She wants so badly to help Ben hold onto his.

At 5:30 sharp, Ben picks Rey and Finn up and drives them to his mother’s house, gripping the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles turn white. A woefully inadequate bottle of wine between her knees, Rey wishes she could smooth the tension from his brow, make promises she can’t keep.

Ben’s childhood home is a beautiful American colonial just a few miles from campus, surrounded by majestic pines and sprawling gardens. She glances back at Finn in the backseat, and they exchange a wide-eyed look.

 _Imagine growing up here._ Rey tries not to feel resentful. 

Before they can even knock, Ben’s mother flings open the door. Leia Organa is tiny compared to her son; based on her pictures in the newspapers and on social media, Rey has always imagined her to be much taller. “Ben! You’re late.”

Ben sighs; this is clearly a conversation they’ve had a million times. “Mom, we’re twenty minutes early.”

“You know I always expect you to be at least an hour early,” she scolds. “This means you’ll have to do the dishes.”

“Whatever you want,” Ben grumbles. He steps into the foyer, Rey and Finn trailing after him. “Mom, this is Finn—”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Senator Organa,” Finn says breathlessly. “I’m such a huge fan—”

“Oh, please, call me Leia.” She gestures for them to remove their shoes and bustles around, tossing them pairs of slippers. “My husband would never let me live it down if I let my son’s friends call me that.”

Ben stiffens. Rey thrusts the bottle of wine at Leia, and hurriedly introduces herself.

“Oh, yes, Rey!” Leia exclaims, as she shepherds them into the house, Finn looking around in wonder at the mahogany furniture, the enormous spiral staircase. “Ben’s told me so much about you.”

“ _Mom_ ,” Ben groans. If Rey didn’t know better, she’d say he was _blushing_.

They enter the dining room, where a massive table is piled high with the most luxurious Thanksgiving dinner Rey has ever seen; she counts two hams and at least three gravy boats. 

Leia rushes into the kitchen, muttering something about silverware. As they take their seats, a man with a long graying beard enters with what appears to be a tub of mashed potatoes. She’s seen Luke Skywalker from a distance at faculty parties before, but he looks at least ten years older now than he did just a few months ago.

Luke narrows his eyes at Finn. “Mr. Storm, right?”

Finn gapes at him. “You remember me? It’s been, like, ten years!”

“You kids don’t give your old professors nearly enough credit,” Luke huffs, shaking his head. “I never forget a student.”

“Not everyone can be as gifted as you,” Ben says coolly. 

“Hello, Ben,” Luke says, fixing his nephew with a flinty stare. “How nice of you to show up. How long has it been?”

 _Ouch_. Ben really hasn’t been exaggerating.

“It’s so unlike you to forget, Luke,” Ben replies, practically baring his teeth. “Your memory seems to fail you at the most convenient times.”

Rey gives him a sharp look, but he refuses to meet her eye. “Alright, boys, simmer down,” Leia hollers from the kitchen. “Let’s keep it civil. It’s a holiday, for God’s sake.”

“He’s never respected that before,” Luke grumbles.

“Wow, everything looks so good, Leia,” Finn cuts in loudly. Rey now regrets dragging him into this— she knows he’s terrible with conflict. “Did you make this all by yourself?”

“Oh, this is nothing,” Leia says, scurrying back inside with a basket of pillowy-looking dinner rolls. “You should have seen me in my heyday! I’d cook all week.”

They pass around the bread and butter, and the guests slowly filter in— some of Luke’s colleagues, the ancient Admiral Ackbar, and Ben’s Uncle Lando and Uncle Chewie, who may be the tallest and hairiest person Rey has ever seen.

Once everyone has arrived and has an oversized glass of wine in hand, Leia stands and clears her throat. “Thank you so much for coming, everyone.

“This is our first Thanksgiving without Han.” She pauses, growing misty-eyed, the facade of the cheerful host falling away. “It’s been a hard year, but I’m incredibly grateful to see you all here, and have our Ben back, with friends this time! Hopefully here to stay.”

“We’ll see,” Luke mutters to Chewie, loud enough for half the table to hear. 

Ben clenches his fists under the table. 

“As most of you know, Han would always cut our turkey. It was a family tradition that he looked forward to all year.” Leia turns to Ben, beaming. “This year, I’d like to ask our son to do it.”

Ben swallows back a gulp. It’s just a turkey, but Leia’s request seems to floor him. “Are you serious?”

“Of course, honey,” Leia says gently, reaching over to squeeze his hand. “He would’ve wanted you to take over.”

Luke is silent, but Rey can see him shaking his head. 

She feels Ben tense up beside her, but before she can open her mouth, he’s surging to his feet, his chair screeching as it scrapes across the floor. “What the fuck is your problem?” he snarls, the rage rolling off of him in waves. “ I’m trying to make things right.”

Rey reaches for him. “Ben—”

“It took _Han dying_ for you to come to your senses,” Luke spits out. “I’m afraid you’re a little too late.”

Ben doesn’t punch a wall or break anything, but it seems like a close call. He storms out of the room, leaving the plates and silverware clattering in his wake. Lando lets out a low whistle, but no one else seems to want to look at one other.

Before Finn can stop her, Rey is chasing after him.

Rey finds Ben sitting on the stairs of Leia’s back porch, his head buried in his hands. It occurs to her that he might prefer to be alone right now, but she knows she couldn’t have stayed at that table and pretended that everything was fine.

She gingerly sits down a few feet away. “I’m really sorry about that. Luke seems like an asshole.”

Ben doesn’t look at her, but he straightens up, his hands falling back down his lap; Rey can see where his nails have left sharp indentations in his palms. “He definitely is, but it’s not…unjustified. I’ve been a horrible son.” 

“Ben, I’m sure that’s not—” 

“I almost killed my dad,” Ben cuts her off. His eyes meet hers, and she’s shaken by how haunted he looks. “How could it get worse than that?” 

Rey freezes. “What do you mean?”

Ben lets out a shaky breath, staring at the tire swing hanging from a massive tree in the yard. “Nine years ago, Luke, my dad, and I were going on a backpacking trip, the first one we’d planned for the three of us in ages. Dad was hoping it would be a good bonding experience, help fix things between us. I was driving us there, and we all started fighting over something dumb— God, I don’t even remember what, that’s how pointless it was.”

Rey sees Ben trembling slightly and scoots closer to him, touching his shoulder to steady him. “I was so angry, I basically blacked out, and I lost control of the car. We crashed into a tree on the side of the road. Luke and I weren’t too bad, but Dad was in the hospital for months. I keep telling myself that I didn’t do it on purpose...but in that moment, I wanted to hurt him. Hurt myself.

“I didn’t come home for years, and I never really apologized. I was just so angry and ashamed, and the accident felt like the last straw.” Ben clenches his fists again, his spine a line of tension. “When Mom called me about his stroke, I got here as soon as I could, but he was already gone. And I realized that I needed to come home. For good.”

Rey struggles to understand why anyone would abandon their family, but she knows it’s impossible for her to; her family has always been chosen. “That’s really brave of you,” she says softly. “It’s hard to admit you’re wrong.”

“I don’t know.” Ben sags his shoulders, brushing off her hand. “Maybe Luke’s right.”

They hear someone clear their throat behind them. “Hi, kid,” Luke says gruffly, fidgeting in the doorway. “Can we talk?”

Rey turns to Ben, who just looks resigned. “It’s alright, Rey,” he says, managing a half-smile. “You should go enjoy dinner.”

When she takes another peek at them on the way in, Luke is still standing, leaning on the porch railing as the two talk in low voices. Ben looks wary but he’s nodding now, the tension leaving his shoulders, and that’s enough for Rey to go back inside.

Ben and Luke rejoin the table a few minutes after Rey, guiltily avoiding eye contact with everyone. Lando has been regaling them with a tale of one of his and Han’s vaguely illegal exploits, but the chatter dies down when the two of them return to their seats. 

Finn’s stomach growls, and Rey shoots him a sympathetic look. No one has really touched their plates since Ben stormed out, and her half-eaten roll is calling her name.

Leia clears her throat, looking sternly at her brother and son. “Well, I think we’re all starving. Are we ready to eat now?”

They both nod, and she beams, clapping her hands. “Wonderful! Ben, will you do the honors?” 

Ben takes the enormous carving knife out of her hands, and half-smiles sheepishly at the table. “Happy Thanksgiving, everyone."


	8. Chapter 8

Now that Finn is officially unofficially dating Poe, Rey finds herself spending much more time with Rose, who she’s realized is an incorrigible gossip.

They’re grabbing lunch at the sandwich shop down the street when Rose begins to spill the juicy tidbits that the student workers at Alumni Relations have been sharing with her. “Ooh, what else...I’ve heard that there are some hot new profs in town. There’s a guy in econ, and someone in psych too, he went here and his mom is a famous Senator, I think?”

 _Oh geez_. “Ben Solo?”

“Yes, that’s it!” Rose scrunches her nose, and Rey can tell she’s doing the mental math. “Wait, weren’t you guys here at the same time? Did you know him?”

“Yeah, I did. But everyone kind of knows everyone here,” Rey says evenly. She considers telling Rose about her and Ben’s...history, but quickly decides against it; Rose is notoriously terrible at keeping secrets. “We weren’t friends or anything.”

“Dang.” Rose briefly looks put out, but soon moves on to the next topic.

Rey doesn’t know how to feel about the fact that Ben is a “hot new prof” now. She supposes it shouldn’t really come as a surprise; Ben _is_ objectively attractive, and she’s noticed the same few students lingering to ask him questions after his lectures. 

She firmly tells herself that she isn’t jealous, and forces herself to pay attention to Rose.

Somehow, yet another semester is coming to a close, and it’s time for the event that Rey has been dreading for months: the annual social sciences holiday party. Amilyn has kept her promise to not host any more dinner parties, but insisted that this was an unavoidable obligation; there’s only so many times that Rey can pretend to be sick.

As she puts the finishing touches on her makeup, Rey wonders if Ben will be bringing a date. He hasn’t mentioned anything about seeing anyone, but then again, he strikes her as a fairly private person when he _isn’t_ spilling his guts to her.

 _Stop that_ , she sternly tells herself. _Nothing is going to happen. He thinks you’re married, and it’s a terrible idea._

“Rey!” she hears Amilyn shout from upstairs. “Can you help me with my dress?”

She shoves her lipstick into her purse with a huff and heads over to Amilyn’s room.

Amilyn looks immaculate as always, radiant in a glittery midnight blue gown that is definitely much too fancy for the occasion. “You look lovely, honey,” she tells Rey with a thin-lipped smile, turning around and gathering her hair out of the way.

Rey yanks at the jammed zipper, trying not to breathe down Amilyn’s neck; it’s strange being this close to her again.

“I feel like I’ve barely seen you lately,” Amilyn says. “Where have you been?”

“Oh, um, just busy with work,” Rey mumbles, finally freeing the zipper with a particularly sharp tug. “And I’ve been hanging out with Finn and Rose a lot lately.”

“That’s wonderful,” Amilyn says distantly, turning around to face her. “So, I wanted to talk to you a bit about tonight before we left. We don’t have to stay together the entire time, obviously, but it would be wonderful if you could come with me to talk to Jyn— she’s on the search committee for dean, and you know she loves you.”

“Oh, yeah.” Rey forces a smile, trying to ignore the migraine she already feels coming on. “Of course.”

They walk into the faculty house exactly twenty minutes after the start of the party. As Amilyn had predicted, the room is half full, buzzing with friendly conversation but not particularly lively yet. The perfect time to make an entrance.

Amilyn swoops in to greet a few members of her department, while Rey orders them drinks at the open bar— red wine for Amilyn, champagne for herself. It’s one of the many perks of a small liberal arts college with a $2 billion endowment, and Rey intends to fully take advantage of it tonight.

Ben arrives a few minutes later— with Professor Hux in tow, surprisingly enough. She waits until Amilyn is laughing it up with Chirrut and Baze from sociology and Ben is alone at the bar to approach. 

“So you’re buddies with Hux now?” Rey asks, leaning on the wooden bartop.

“Not sure I’d go that far, but yeah, I guess.” Ben smiles wryly at her, taking a sip of his scotch. He’s wearing a fitted navy suit that puts her plain black dress to shame, and she does her best not to ogle at his biceps. 

“I gotta warn you, that is definitely not the way to Amilyn’s heart.”

Ben shrugs. Sitting perched on one of the barstools, he still somehow manages to be at eye level with her. “He’s an asshole, but not irredeemably so.”

Rey snorts. “Wow, what a glowing endorsement.”

“Ah, there you are!” Amilyn is rushing towards them, half-smiling, half-grimacing. “Look who I found!”

It’s Jyn and Cassian Erso-Andor, who have always gone by their first names among their students to avoid the inevitable confusion. “Hello, dear.” Jyn smiles warmly at Rey, folding her into a hug. “How’s my favorite advisee?”

“Always playing favorites,” Cassian quips, and Jyn swats him on the arm, telling him to hush.

Jyn has always been one of Rey’s absolute favorite people at Takodana: she was the previous psych chair, and has never seemed cowed by Amilyn, which probably explains why Amilyn is constantly shoving Rey in front of her when it comes to Jyn.

Jyn and Cassian greet Ben too, and Rey sees Amilyn glancing suspiciously between the two of them. She pretends to take extra interest in her drink to avoid catching her eye.

It turns out that Ben has also had Jyn as a professor, and Cassian too, for the intro physics class he had taken on a whim during his freshman fall. “Definitely a rookie mistake. No offense, Cassian.”

“Jyn, what were these two like as students?” Amilyn says, too brightly. “I always want Rey to tell me more stories!”

Jyn launches into a story about how Rey once tried to bake her muffins as a thank-you gift but accidentally added salt instead of sugar, and Rey forces herself to laugh along. College had been some of the happiest years of her life, but reminiscing has always been somewhat painful— it’s a bittersweet reminder of a time when the world had held endless possibilities and she wanted so much for herself, when Jyn had been one of the people who believed in her the most. Ben, too.

“Excuse me,” she chokes out. “I need to use the restroom.”

Rey sits huddled on a stone bench in the back of the faculty house, trying to force herself to take deep breaths. She’d grabbed her coat on the way out, but the winter air is still chilling her to her bones.

The sound of footsteps interrupt her reverie. “We need to stop fleeing from parties,” Ben quips, sliding next to her. 

His thigh is touching hers, and he feels as warm and solid as ever. “Maybe we should just stop going to them.”

“Hopefully someday I’ll have enough clout to stop going to these. Luke doesn’t bother anymore.” Ben leans forward, his elbows resting on his knees. “Does Amilyn always make you come?”

“She says the spouses always do,” Rey says, unable to stop the resentment from creeping into her voice.

“Well, that doesn’t mean—”

“We’re getting a divorce,” Rey blurts out, without thinking. She finds that she strangely doesn’t regret it: she’s wanted to shout it from the rooftops all night, to relieve the knot of shame and anger and bitterness in her belly. To stop pretending.

“Wait, what?” Ben straightens up, looking incredulously at her. “Since when?”

“Four months ago. It’s almost finalized.”

“Why are you keeping it a secret?” 

Rey stares at her hands, clasped tightly in her lap. “Amilyn wants to make dean and she’s worried it won’t look good for her. So she asked me to keep playing happy couple with her until she finds out.”

“I mean, I thought something was off, but…wow. That’s insane.” Ben shakes his head in disbelief. “And so unfair of her to ask of you.”

“Oh, I completely agree,” Rey says gloomily. “The stupid thing is…I’d kind of do anything for her, even now.

“I know it was dumb to marry someone twelve years older than me who all my friends hated, but twenty-five year-olds are dumb, and I thought they didn’t get it. I mean, it was one thousand percent my mommy issues jumping out, but I felt so…safe with her. Like I finally had someone to take care of me, no matter what. 

“Things have been off between us for months now, but I figured we’d work through it. But then she told me out of nowhere she thought it would be best for us to ‘separate’— she never uses the word ‘divorce’ unless she has to. I thought maybe it would just be temporary, but then I realized that I was just her midlife crisis, and she was ready to move on.” 

A long moment of silence. “So this is why you don’t want to tell her about grad school.”

“She might be supportive, but…I just don’t know. I wanted to do something on my own, for once, without any chance of her interfering.” Rey smiles faintly at the memory of rushing into Ben’s office, brimming with hope. “I wanted something that was just mine.”

“What are you gonna do when you get in?”

“If I get in,” she automatically corrects. 

“No, when,” Ben insists, looking so earnest that it sends a twinge through her heart.

“Tell her the truth, I guess?” Rey kicks her feet back and forth. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”

Ben hesitates. “Rey, I mean this in the kindest way possible: have you considered seeing a therapist?”

What a classic psych professor move. Rey grudgingly plays along. “Yeah...I had one for a bit in grad school, and Amilyn and I went to couples counseling a few times, but...nothing that really stuck.”

Rey was not a fan of any of her short-lived experiences with therapy. All she remembers is invasive questions about her “childhood trauma” that made her squirm, holding hands with Amilyn and staring deeply into her eyes while trying to not laugh/cry. She knows it can work for other people, has seen it happen firsthand; she just has never thought it was for _her._

Ben doesn’t push, just gently nudges his thigh against hers. “Well, if you’re willing to try again...I know some excellent people.”

The divorce is finalized a week later. _Guess who’s a single bitch,_ Rey texts Finn right after finishing the paperwork, and he replies with a string of dancing lady and celebration emojis.

Later that day, she heads to Ben’s office to submit the first of her applications, just for moral support. Perched on the edge of her seat, she holds her breath until the moment she hits the “submit” button, squealing when she receives the confirmation message.

Rey collapses into the chair, burying her face in her hands. She still has the others to finish, but this is so much farther than she thought she’d get on her hardest days— the nights she sat at her desk after a long day of work, the questions in her GRE prep books or her assigned articles swimming before her eyes, wondering for the umpteenth time if she could really pull this off.

“I couldn’t have done this without you,” she tells Ben, blinking back tears. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“You’re the one who made it happen,” Ben says. His grin takes up his whole face, making him look years younger. “I just gave you a push.”

“Let’s save the celebration for if—” He gives her a sharp look. “—alright, fine, _when_ I get in.”

“I’m really proud of you, Rey,” Ben tells her, his eyes going soft.

Her heart seizes. _Stop that_ , she chastises herself for the millionth time.

“Geez, if someone had told me four months ago that Ben Solo would be one of my best friends, I would’ve told them they were crazy,” Rey laughs, shaking her head. “I’m so grateful to have you in my life.”

It’s probably just her imagination, but she thinks his smile slips for a moment. “I’m grateful for you, too.”


	9. Chapter 9

Organizing the next Takodana reunion weekend essentially begins the day after the most recent one is over, but it really kicks into gear in January. 

That first week of intensified reunion planning always sends her into at least a minor spiral, but this year it feels more like a full-blown panic attack. It’s her own tenth reunion this year, and while she’s looking forward to seeing old friends, she’s dreading seeing how happy and successful all of her investment banker/engineer/museum curator classmates are, hearing them gloat about the houses they just bought and the chubby babies on their hips.

Last time Rey had at least been able to flash her wedding ring, Amilyn on her arm, and make it sound like the Alumni Relations gig was just temporary— what does she have to show for herself now?

 _Maybe you can tell everyone you’re finally gonna get your master’s_. Rey quickly pushes that thought away— she’s learned her lesson about getting her hopes up.

At the end of that long first week, all of their brains are swimming with names and numbers and endless logistical details, and Rey and Poe agree that they deserve to treat themselves to a nice lunch this weekend. 

When Rey arrives at the Mediterranean bistro that she and Finn could never afford as students, Poe and Finn immediately wave her over from their corner table. As she takes her seat across from the two of them, she realizes this is her first time hanging out with them together since they had, according to Finn, “defined the relationship,” and can’t shake the feeling that she’s interviewing to be their official third wheel.

She orders the falafel, and Finn and Poe bicker over what dishes to split. “We had spanakopita at that Greek place last week,” Finn argues, which Poe grudgingly accepts. After an excessive amount of debate, they finally agree to split the lamb burger and house salad.

Rey watches her friends with a mix of amusement and envy. Their shoulders are pressed together, and Finn keeps finding excuses to touch Poe’s arm or play with his hair. She’s never let herself be all that playful with Amilyn, too concerned about seeming mature enough.

“So, Rey,” Poe begins after their entrees arrive, his eyes gleaming with mirth. “A little birdie tells me you and Solo used to be a thing.”

“Oh really, now.” Rey glares daggers at Finn, who winces and sheepishly mouths an apology. 

“I mean, good for you,” Poe remarks, seemingly oblivious to Rey’s foul mood. “He was a total weirdo when he was a kid, but now he has the hot nerd thing going on.”

“Wait, you knew him when he was a kid?” Rey asks, momentarily forgetting her ire.

“Oh, yeah. My parents used to work here too, and they were friendly with his family.” Poe snatches the lamb burger out of Finn’s hands and takes a big bite. “We’d do holiday parties together sometimes; he’d be sulking, like, the entire time though.”

Rey bites back a laugh at the mental image. It seems like not much has changed.

“You gotta give us the details!” Poe wheedles. “Was he any good? Wait, does he have any kinks? That would blow my mind.”

Rey sips at her iced tea. “Don’t you know it’s rude to kiss and tell?” she says wryly, deeply enjoying being able to leave Poe hanging.

Poe sticks his tongue out at her. “Boring,” he boos, before launching into a complaint about how someone at work keeps stealing his mechanical pencils.

Rey’s phone buzzes. _I’m sorry for telling him, it just slipped out_.

Finn has never been in a super serious relationship, so it’s always felt like the two of them against the world, even when Rey was with Amilyn. She’s overjoyed at his happiness, but it’s going to take some time to adjust to this new reality.

He’s looking at her with puppy dog eyes as Poe prattles on, and Rey just sighs, nodding her forgiveness. She can never stay mad at him for long.

Rey knows that Ben has been extra stressed about his tenure-track application, so she’s taken to bringing him lunch on the days he spends every free moment cooped up in his office. 

“You don’t have to do that,” he keeps saying, but she pays him no mind— it’s the least she can do for him. 

Ben still assigns her readings and she keeps the Amilyn guides coming, but they meet for sessions much less frequently now that she’s submitted her applications. Rey tells Finn, and herself, that these lunches are _not_ just an excuse to spend more time with him. 

Today Ben has requested a veggie hummus sandwich, which she picks up from the sandwich shop along with a mozzarella avocado panini, her go-to order since college. When she drops by his office, he’s hunched over his laptop, furiously clacking away and muttering under his breath.

Ben only acknowledges her after she plops down and slides the sandwich bag across his desk. “Is it that time already?” he asks, rubbing at his eyes.

“Sure is.” Rey is already munching away at her panini, which is deliciously greasy as always. “You should really work on your posture— that’s gotta be murder on your back. Ooh, you could get a laptop stand! I just got one, and it’s completely changed my life.”

He grunts in a way that tells her that he’ll _maybe_ consider it, and digs into his sandwich.

“What are you working on?” Rey asks.

“Just revising material for my seminar class,” Ben says wearily. “Amilyn and a few senior faculty are observing my classes this week, so I’m trying to make sure everything is perfect. I do my best to just focus on my students, but it definitely throws me off a little.” 

The seemingly unflappable Professor Solo, thrown off? Rey can’t imagine it. “I’m sure you’re doing great,” she says sincerely.

“Has Amilyn said anything about me lately?” he probes. “I’d love to know what she thinks.”

“Hmm, nothing specific about your classes, I don’t think. When she talks about work, it’s mostly about her research or complaints about other people in your department— Jyn and Hux, mainly, but 90% Hux.” Rey pauses. “Oh wait— I think she said something vague about how you could be more ‘approachable,’ whatever that means. Maybe throw a karaoke night for your students?”

Ben snorts. “I think that would scare them more than anything. They’d probably think I was dying.”

Rey is about to tease him for being a hardass when there’s a knock on the door. “Ben? Are you free to talk for a minute?”

It’s Amilyn. They exchange a panicked look, before Rey scrambles to the other side of his desk and flings herself under it, crouching besides Ben’s feet.

“Um, yes, come in,” Ben stammers, and Rey hears the door creak open.

“I thought I heard voices?” Amilyn says, a hint of suspicion in her voice. Rey swallows back a gulp. “But I must have been imagining things.”

“Oh, I was just watching a video,” he lies rather feebly, as unruffled as Rey has ever heard him. “Please, sit. What can I do for you?”

They start discussing some dry departmental business that Rey almost immediately tunes out, extra conscious of her breathing; every inhale and exhale sounds impossibly loud to her. _This is basically a shitty porno_ , she thinks with an internal groan, forcing herself to stare at the carpet and _not_ at the fly of Ben’s exceptionally well-fitted pants.

Luckily, their discussion resolves itself quickly, and Amilyn is gone within a few minutes. Rey waits until the click-clack of her heels fades into the distance before scrambling to her feet, gasping for air.

“Jesus Christ, that was too close,” Rey huffs, retaking her seat. Without thinking, she mumbles mostly to herself, “Maz will get a real kick out of that." 

Ben pauses. “You’re seeing Maz?”

 _Oops._ “Um, yeah, I started a couple weeks ago,” she says sheepishly.

Maz is one of the therapists Ben had recommended to her, a wizened older woman whose spectacles magnify her eyes and take up most of her face. Rey had chosen her mostly because the reviews seemed to agree that she had a killer sense of humor and didn’t sugarcoat anything, which was exactly what she needed.

“How’s it going for you?” Ben asks, before catching himself. “If you’re comfortable talking about it.” 

“It’s been…difficult,” Rey says tersely. She’s barely talked about this with anyone, even Finn, and “difficult” is the understatement of the year— she dissolved into a weepy mess within ten minutes of her first session and used up all of Maz’s Kleenex before the hour was done. “But good. Really good.”

She means it. Both weeks, she left Maz’s feeling stripped raw but somehow lighter, astounded at how vulnerable she’s capable of being with a complete stranger.

“I’m really glad,” Ben says softly, and Rey has to glance away.

The way he looks at her with those dark, dark eyes, like he can see right through her— she doesn’t want him to know how much that terrifies her.

Rey returns for her third session with Maz that weekend. Her space is a little cramped but cozy, filled with candles and odd knick knacks that Rey is tempted to ask her about. 

“I’m so glad you’re back, Rey. I know these past few weeks have been difficult, but I think we’re doing really wonderful work,” Maz says, peering at her over her thick frames. “Today I’d like to talk more about the important relationships in your life— besides Amilyn.”

Rey shifts on the couch, digging her fingers into the soft fabric. “Um, well, there’s Finn, my best friend from college. He’s always been the most important person in my life, which I guess I should’ve known was a red flag in my marriage. There’s also his boyfriend Poe, who’s one of my best friends from work— I sort of set them up.”

“Can you talk a little bit about what that’s been like for you? Two of your closest friends getting together?”

The woman doesn’t miss a thing. “It’s really lovely, but honestly, it _is_ making me feel a little left out,” Rey admits. “It’s weird being the third wheel, especially since I know them so well separately.”

Maz just stares at her owlishly, clearly waiting for her to continue. 

Rey sighs, wringing out her hands. “I guess I’m a little worried about being left behind. I’ve always been Finn’s person, and I’m scared about that changing forever.” 

Maz nods, leaning forward in her armchair. “That makes sense. I do think it’s important to keep in mind that this sort of evolution in your friendship may be what’s best for the both of you, but you may also want to communicate with Finn about how you’re feeling, establish new boundaries for your relationship. What you’re feeling is completely natural, and it’s probably how he felt when you were first dating Amilyn.”

Rey feels a stab of guilt. “Dang, I never thought it about it that way.”

“What about your other friendships?”

“Since Finn’s been so busy, I’ve been spending more time with Rose from work, who’s super sweet.” She hesitates. “There’s also been someone else— Ben, the guy who’s been helping me with my grad school apps. We used to be...intimate. In college. I fucked it up, though— I didn’t want anyone to know about us, and that really hurt him.”

“Are those old feelings still there?”

“I think so,” Rey says, all in a rush. “But I— I don’t think it would be good for me to pursue that.”

Maz arches an eyebrow at her. “Why is that?”

“Well, first of all, I literally just got divorced. I don’t think it would be smart for me to just jump into something else, even if it’s not that serious,” Rey rambles, running through the arguments she’s repeated to herself over and over again. “But more importantly...we have such a good thing going on, and I don’t want to ruin it. His friendship is really, really special to me.”

Saying all of this out loud to another human being makes it completely sink in for Rey. “I just can’t lose him again.”


	10. Chapter 10

Rey and Finn finally have that rotisserie chicken and movie night they’ve been dreaming of since Thanksgiving, the plastic container on the couch between them and a massive bowl of popcorn on the coffee table.

“I feel like it’s been forever since we hung out just the two of us,” Finn muses, right before they’re about to start watching _10 Things I Hate About You_ , one of his favorite movies. “I really miss you.”

“You see me almost everyday,” Rey says, even though she feels the exact same way.

“But Poe’s almost always there. It’s different,” Finn insists, because of course he’s noticed. Her soul friend, the best person she knows.

“Definitely.” Rey takes a deep breath, figuring there won’t be a better opportunity to have this conversation. “Finn— my therapist said something about setting boundaries the other day, and that’s made me think a lot about us. I’m so, so happy for you—you and Poe are amazing together— and I know that things can’t always stay the same, but I want us to be honest about how we feel. And really make time for one another.” 

“Oh, peanut, that’s what I want, too.” Finn sets down his fork and takes her hands in his. She sees him growing misty-eyed and has to glance away to keep herself from crying. “I’m really glad you brought that up.”

“I’m sorry I’ve treated you like my therapist for so long, and I’m sorry that I haven’t always been the greatest friend to you,” Rey says earnesty, forcing herself to look him in the eye. “Like when I disappeared because of Ben. And when I got serious with Amilyn and didn’t think about how that would change things between us.” 

He just shakes his head. “Rey, you don’t need to—”

“Finn, I’m serious,” she cuts him off, resolute. “I’m sorry, and I’m going to do better. Are you free for breakfast on Monday? Just the two of us?”

“At the diner?”

“What do you think?”

“Then of course.” Finn sniffles, squeezing her hands one last time before letting go. He tugs the popcorn bowl into his lap. “Can we start the movie now? I love me some Heath Ledger.”

Feeling a million times lighter, Rey leans over to ruffle his hair. “Of course.” 

When Rey unlocks her front door after coming from movie night, she finds Amilyn standing in the living room, wrapped around another woman. A firm hand on her chin, but kissing her softly.

They immediately spring apart when they notice her, and Rey sees that it’s a mousy-looking history professor who she’s seen around at faculty parties, who can’t be more than a few years older than Rey.

Rey feels a burst of white-hot anger that she struggles to parse, a horrible cocktail of jealousy and frustration and just plain old exhaustion. Amilyn looks weary too, running her fingers through her disheveled hair, and Rey doesn’t know whether she wants to throw a tantrum or run away.

“Um, I should go,” the history professor stammers, grabbing her coat off the couch and casting one last fearful look at Rey and Amilyn before scurrying out the door. 

For a moment, everything is still, and Rey just stares at the carpet, her fists clenched at her sides. 

Eventually, Amilyn slumps down onto the couch, rubbing her temples. “I’m sorry you had to see that. I wasn’t expecting you until later.”

“You’re sorry I _saw_ that?” Rey retorts, leaning against the door, her stomach twisting itself into knots. “You’re the one who’s always talking about _discretion_.”

“Oh, like you’re one to talk,” Amilyn scoffs. “I know about your little meetings with Ben Solo.”

“What? How?”

“One of my research assistants saw you two at Mos Eisley Café. And other people in the department have seen you leaving his office,” Amilyn says icily, sitting up a little straighter, her hands gripping her knees. “Are you trying to ruin this for me? People are starting to talk.” 

“ _I’m_ ruining this for you?” Rey laughs incredulously. _How dare she_. “I’m not the one fucking someone else.”

“Then what the hell are you doing with him?”

“He’s— he’s—” Rey scrambles —“he’s letting me help him with his research. We’re just friends.”

Amilyn heaves a sigh. “Rey, are you thinking about school again?”

Her head is still reeling, and all Rey knows is that she can’t stay in this house, not tonight. “I’m not having this conversation with you right now,” she chokes out, before turning around and racing out the door.

Rey doesn’t know where she’s headed at first— she knows Poe came over to Finn’s after she left, so she can’t go there, and she doesn’t feel close enough to Rose or Kaydel to tell them the truth about her and Amilyn.

That leaves one person.

Rey calls Ben with shaky fingers, and he picks up on the third ring, even though it’s already 11:30 and she knows he goes to bed early. “Rey? What’s wrong?” he asks, his voice hoarse with sleep.

“Can I stay at your place tonight?” she babbles. “I’m sorry this is so last minute, but I…I just can’t be here right now.”

A beat of silence. “Let me text you my address.”

“You can take my bed,” Ben says, running a hand through his rumpled hair. He’s wearing boxers and a worn sleeping shirt, and Rey is trying not to gawk. “I’ll just sleep on the couch. And before you say anything, it folds out and is extremely comfy. I really don’t mind.”

“Thanks so much.” As Ben leads her to his bedroom, Rey realizes how gross she feels and probably looks. She’d fled too quickly to grab a change of clothes or toiletries and hasn’t showered since yesterday morning.

His room is as minimalist as his office, just a queen bed and a nightstand and a closet full of dark button downs and slacks. Rey deposits her coat and purse on the nightstand and perches gingerly on the edge of his bed, unsure how to proceed.

Standing stiffly in his doorway, Ben pauses. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Rey shakes her head, slipping under the covers. His blankets are so, so soft, and his pillow smells just like him, or whatever expensive woodsy cologne he’s always wearing. “Later, I promise. I’m so tired.”

“Alright,” Ben says, his face unreadable, and flicks the light off. “Good night, Rey.”

He turns to leave, but the idea of being alone in his dark bedroom is unbearable to her. “Wait,” she blurts out, unable to deny herself what she wants anymore. “Stay with me? Please?”

“Are you sure that’s what you want?” She can’t see him, but she can practically hear the brow furrow in his voice.

“It wouldn’t be the first time,” Rey quips without thinking. Her eyes are adjusting to the dark, and she can just make out his flinch. “I’m sorry, just…get in. If you want.”

Without another word, Ben’s shutting the door behind him and climbing into the bed. He lays as far away as possible, facing away from her, but she would barely have to reach to touch him.

All he would have to do is turn slightly and his mouth would be right there, so warm and inviting. She could kiss him so easily, thread her fingers through his hair and see if it’s as soft as she remembers it. 

But if this ever happens again, she doesn’t want it to be this way— a lump of cold, hard spite in her throat, another kiss replaying in her head. The bad taste of a rebound in her mouth.

“Rey.” The way Ben says her name, all low and rumbly with drowsiness, is downright pornographic. “Are we ever gonna talk about what happened? With us?”

Of course he wants to have this conversation now. “I didn’t think you wanted to.”

“I didn’t know how to,” Ben mumbles. “I never understood why you were so ashamed of me.”

“It was just me and my own dumb insecurities,” Rey says, gazing up at the ceiling. “I was figuring out that I liked girls and I didn’t think I should be with a guy. It was stupid, but I was worried about what my queer friends would think of me. 

“Also...I thought maybe you’d be embarrassed of me,” she confesses. “You’re Ben Organa-Solo, you practically own this place, and I’m a nobody foster kid from Arizona. Why would you want to be with me?”

“Rey…” Ben sounds pained. “I’m not that guy— I’ve never felt like that. And you’re not nobody. You’re— you’re the best person I know.”

 _But why did you want me?_ she doesn’t ask. _Do you still?_

“Intellectually, I know it’s not true,” Rey says instead. “But deep down...I still need to convince myself. Maz and I are trying, believe me.”

They fall silent, and Rey feels her eyes grow heavy with exhaustion. He radiates heat like always, and she feels so toasty and safe cocooned in his blankets, against all rational thought wishing he’d come closer.

“You’re everything,” she thinks she hears him murmur, before drifting off into a deep and dreamless sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

When Rey stirs, she first notices that she’s lying on top of something that feels sort of like a brick wall, but not unpleasantly so. 

After prying her eyes open, Rey realizes with horror that she’s sprawled across Ben’s chest, a puddle of her drool seeping through his thin t-shirt— one of two flimsy layers separating her from his bare skin.

Rey frantically sits up and wipes her mouth with her sleeve, rousing Ben. He yawns and rubs the sleep out of his eyes. “Good morning. How did you sleep?”

“Uh, pretty well,” she says, and realizes it’s true. She’s never been that great at sharing a bed, but she feels surprisingly well-rested considering last night’s shitshow. “Thanks for letting me stay here. I really appreciate it.”

“Yeah, of course.” It comes out like a question she doesn’t want to answer.

The sun is just coming up; the bedside clock reads _6:34_. Rey slips out of bed and gathers up her coat and purse, looking everywhere but him. If she stares at him and his disheveled hair and his bleary eyes for too long, she knows she’ll be tempted to crawl back in with him, and God knows what she’ll do next. 

“Do you have somewhere to be?”

“Um, no,” Rey mumbles, like an idiot. _Make up an excuse, dumbass!_ “I just...I don’t want to impose.”

“It’s no trouble. You should sleep in, or at least let me make you breakfast.” Ben sits up, running a hand through the mess of his hair. “I’m pretty good at scrambled eggs, I’ve been told.”

Rey doesn’t want to think about who else Ben is making eggs for. “It’s fine, just go back to sleep,” she insists, suddenly self-conscious about her rumpled day-old clothes and terrible breath. “I should go home.”

“If you’re sure…” Ben trails off.

She’d given into her base urges last night, let herself lose control, but she can’t dwell on that now. “I’m...really sorry for all of this.” She leans down to slip on her boots, the curtain of her hair hiding him from view. “It won’t happen again.”

“What’s going on?” Ben frowns, swinging his legs to the side of the bed. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No, no, not at all,” Rey says hurriedly, the words thick on her tongue. Nothing in her head sounds right. “It’s just...I don’t know. I should just go.”

She bolts out of the door as Ben is opening his mouth to protest, somehow feeling even worse than last night.

“You did _what_?” Finn gapes at her, over morning coffee at the diner.

Rey groans, burying her face in her hands. “I know, I know. I feel so stupid.”

“What happened next?”

“I woke up literally on top of him, and it was so embarrassing. I felt so awful.”

Finn grips his mug with frankly terrifying force, perched at the very edge of his seat. “And then?”

“I panicked and got out of there as soon as possible. God, I definitely looked and smelled like a sewer rat.” Rey shudders. “Anyways, I snuck back into my house before Amilyn was up.”

“Jesus Christ. Are you sure nothing happened?” Finn’s eyes are as wide as saucers. “We did have all that wine that night.”

“You know we weren’t drunk— we had so many snacks, and I had to drive home after!”

Finn leans back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “Well, you two definitely have it bad for each other.”

“We don’t know that,” Rey says defensively.

“Peanut, he picked up his phone at midnight and let you sleep over at his house, no questions asked,” Finn says slowly, like she’s a second grader. “And _you_ could’ve just stayed with me and Poe, but you called _him_.”

“I didn’t want to bother you guys!” Rey protests, but she doesn’t even need to look at him to know he’s not buying it. “Okay, fine, maybe I still like him, but it can’t happen. At least not anytime soon. Amilyn was so pissed.”

Finn looks like he’s on the verge of tearing his hair out. “Who cares? You don’t owe her anything!”

“I literally just got divorced!” she retorts. “It’s way too soon.” 

He arches an eyebrow at her. “Do you really believe that, or do you just think you should? You and Amilyn haven’t been together for months.”

“Touché.” Rey slumps back into her chair. “I just...it’s a bad idea. Trust me.”

“Alright, Rey,” Finn sighs, bracing his hands in surrender. “Whatever you want.”

His words make her think of a certain someone, and her stomach clenches.

Without really meaning to, Rey starts avoiding Ben, telling herself it’s just because she’s busy with work. When she swings by to drop off his lunch that next Wednesday, she swears to herself that she’ll stay, taking several deep breaths before knocking on his door.

“Come in!” he calls.

When Rey opens the door and sees him sitting behind his perfectly neat desk, looking at her so earnestly, her heart seizes. 

“Hi. I, um, I’m really sorry, but I can’t stay,” she stammers, shuffling over and sliding him his salad box. “I have this stupid meeting.”

“Oh, um, okay.” Ben blinks at her, perplexed; Rey tells herself she’s imagining the flicker of disappointment across his face. “Can we catch up soon?”

“Work is kinda crazy, but I’ll let you know when I’m free!” Rey chirps, forcing a half-smile, half-grimace as she backs up towards the door. “Enjoy lunch!

 _You’re an idiot_ , Finn replies when she texts him about all but fleeing Ben’s office.

**_Don’t I know it._ **

There’s a new email in her inbox when she returns home from work that day: “Application Update,” from Bespin University, one of her top three choices. Her heart pounding, she rushes to her room, flings open her laptop, and clicks into the application portal, unable to breathe.

_Congratulations! I am delighted to inform you of your acceptance as a candidate for the degree of Master of Clinical Psychology at the Bespin School of Social Sciences, starting in August 2021._

Rey collapses forward onto her desk and buries her face in her hands. It’s just one letter, one program, but regardless of what else happens, she’s going to grad school. 

Tears pricking her eyes, Rey unlocks her phone with shaky fingers. She’s about to text Finn, but decides that there’s someone else who needs to know first.

“Rey?” Ben says when he answers the phone, a tinge of suspicion in his voice. “What’s going on?”

“I got into Bespin,” Rey chokes out, cradling the phone to her cheek. “We did it.”

When she hears a thud, followed by Ben whooping loudly, she starts giggling and finds herself unable to stop. “Holy shit, this doesn’t feel real. I can’t believe it!”

“You better. I told you so!” There’s a fondness in his voice that makes Rey laugh-cry even harder. “I’m so proud of you, Rey.”

Things have already been dicey with Amilyn this past week, but Rey feels a million times worse now that she has this enormous, wonderful secret that she wants to shout from the rooftops. 

She can tell that Amilyn is trying to appease her— cooking her elaborate meals, offering to do more of the housework— but none of it can distract her from daydreaming about August. The kiss in the living room barely crosses her mind— what did that matter now that she has a future outside of this place?

But Rey comes down from her high when she realizes that she can’t keep this from Amilyn forever, resolving to tell her at dinner a week after receiving her acceptance letter.

Picking at the asparagus zucchini quiche Amilyn had thrown together after work, Rey clears her throat when there’s a lull in the conversation.

“Um, remember how I told you I was helping Ben out with his research?” she begins, wetting her lips. “Well...he was actually helping me apply to master’s programs.”

Amilyn is narrowing her eyes at her, her mouth just parting when Rey blurts out, “I got in. I haven’t heard back from everywhere yet, but I got an offer from Bespin. I’m starting in August.”

Even as Amilyn smiles warmly, Rey can tell that she’s carefully crafting a response. “That’s so wonderful, sweetheart. But if I’m being honest…”

 _Here we go_. Amilyn sets down her fork and knife, reaching out to clasp her hand. “Rey, this feels a little…premature. It would be another big life change, you know, on top of our separation.”

 _Just say divorce_ , Rey wants to scream.

“I know you’re not happy at Alumni Relations, but I really think it would be best to wait a year or two to start thinking about this seriously,” Amilyn continues, squeezing Rey’s fingers. The calm, rational one. “You know I always support you, honey, but I’m worried about you.” 

Rey wants to believe that Amilyn is being completely genuine, but she knows deep down that this is more about Amilyn’s reputation than her well-being— that Amilyn doesn’t want her to skip town until she’s more established as dean.

“I’m so, so proud of you, but promise me you’ll reconsider,” Amilyn wheedles. Her grip tightens, and Rey struggles not to recoil. “You could defer admission to next year.”

 _I guess I’ve waited this long._ Rey pulls her fingers free and folds her hands in her lap, staring blankly at her half-eaten quiche. “I, um...I’ll think about it.”


	12. Chapter 12

When Rey tells Maz about last night’s conversation with Amilyn, she just purses her lips. “Walk me through what you’re thinking.”

“I...I don’t know, I still feel like I owe her, somehow,” Rey says hesitantly. “For giving me a home. She helped me through a really dark time.”

“So you feel obligated to help her.”

Rey stares at the Russian doll on the shelf behind Maz, her fingers laced together tightly on her lap. “It’s more than that: I mean, there’s a lot of resentment there, but I do really, really admire her. She’s so passionate and outspoken and works so, so hard— I want her to have this.”

“How does the idea of waiting for another year make you feel?”

“I mean, pretty awful, but I’ve waited this long.” She’s grown accustomed to wave after wave of disappointment, of tucking her hopes into a box and sliding it under her bed with a promise of someday. “What’s another year?” 

“Rey.” Maz removes her glasses and peers at her. “It’s incredibly generous of you to want to help Amilyn, but think about all you’ve done for her. You moved here, you supported her career for years, you’ve hidden your divorce for months. What will you do if she asks for more?”

“I’ll...I’d put my foot down,” Rey says feebly, not even convincing herself.

Maz arches an eyebrow at her. “I want you to think carefully about whether this is worth giving up a year of living the way you want.”

“I don’t even really know what I want,” Rey lies.

She knows she wants an apartment of her own, to decorate with kitschy knick knacks and fill with mangy shelter cats. To pick out binders and fancy pens and heft a backpack full of textbooks to class, stay up late working on her dissertation over a pizza slice or two or three.

And Ben, in his boxers and t-shirt, grinning boyishly up at her in his bed like he could never get tired of looking at her.

“It’s never too late to start thinking about it.” Maz watches her with a knowing look. “So Rey, what do _you_ want to do?”

Rey gradually packs up her closet and drawers, but there’s not much to do since she’d packed nearly everything up when she moved into the guest room seven months ago. After a childhood spent moving from place to place, she’s used to keeping only what she needs and having to mobilize at a moment’s notice— Marie Kondo has nothing on her.

She moves out the weekend Amilyn is presenting at a massive cognitive psychology conference. As Finn and Poe carry the last of her boxes to her car, she leans in the doorway to the kitchen, calling Amilyn with trembling fingers.

When it goes to voicemail, like she knew it would, Rey takes a deep breath. “Um, hey. I just wanted to let you know that I’m moving into Finn’s today and going to grad school in August. I’m sorry for telling you like this, but I couldn’t let you talk me out of it again. I need to make the right decision for me, and this is it.

“Thank you for everything,” Rey adds before hanging up, staring numbly at the ground, She’d expected to be more torn up after putting the final nail in the coffin of a seven-year relationship, but all she feels is relief.

Finn pokes his head around the front door. It’s unusually warm for mid-March, and all three of them are sweating through their shirts. “Ready to go?”

“Give me a minute?” she says, and Finn nods knowingly, slipping away. 

Rey surveys the living room, and then the dining room and kitchen, drinking in the place she’s called home for the last six years. Her eyes land on the kettle sitting on the counter, and before she can second guess herself, she’s grabbing it— somewhat out of spite, but mostly it’s a damn good kettle.

 _And you deserve it_ , she tells herself firmly.

Her backpack slung over her shoulders, Rey strides out the front door without glancing back and locks it behind her. Finn and Poe are waiting by her car and fold her into a tight embrace when she reaches them, her face pressed into Finn’s shirt. 

“I need to run, but you’re amazing and I love you,” Poe gushes, pecking her cheek. “See you later, kid.”

“Love you, too.” Rey smiles wanly at Poe, climbing into the driver’s seat as Finn kisses him goodbye. She leans back against the headrest and rests her palms against the wheel, squeezing her eyes shut, and confirms to herself that she is, indeed, doing this.

The passenger door slams slut, and Finn is sliding next to her. He shoots a sheepish grin at her, and she reluctantly returns it, before starting the engine. “Next stop, Casa Storm,” she declares.

They spend most of the short ride to Finn’s apartment in silence. As Rey is pulling onto his block, her phone starts ringing, Finn seizing it out of the cupholder and immediately hitting decline. It rings again and again, before a slew of pings sound, each somehow more insistent than the last.

Rey parks in front of Finn’s building, drumming her fingers against the wheel. “I guess Amilyn is done with her presentation.”

Finn makes no motion to get out of the car, so she doesn’t either. “Are you gonna call her back?”

“I guess I’ll have to eventually. It’s kind of impossible to avoid her.” Rey stares grimly at the dashboard as her phone continues to chime. “Perks of a small campus.”

He grimaces. “And you definitely don’t want her storming into your office.”

“Nah, that would be too embarrassing for her,” Rey says, shaking her head. “Maybe she’ll find some sneaky way to make my life hell.”

Finn reaches over to squeeze her hand, and she forces herself to hold his gaze, so fierce and warm and loving. “I’m really fucking proud of you. Have I said that today?”

“Only a million times,” Rey says fondly, popping open the trunk and turning to unlock her door. “I love you, too.”


	13. Chapter 13

Two more acceptances trickle in over the next week, but after discussing it thoroughly with Ben, Rey decides to choose Bespin. There are several professors there whose work she’s admired for years, and it’s only a five hour drive from Takodana.

On the first night of spring break, Finn declares that he wants to take her out for drinks at the upscale cocktail bar across town and offers to drive.

As they jam out to the “boss bitch” playlist he made specially for her, Finn turns earlier than she expects into a strangely familiar neighborhood and parks in front of a house — Ben’s, Rey realizes with a start. “Um, what’s going on?”

“We’re just picking up Ben,” Finn says, waving his hand dismissively, and climbs out of the car.

She follows him to the front door, watching with trepidation as he rings the doorbell. “Why doesn’t he just—”

The door swings open, revealing a living room packed with her favorite people in the world. “Congrats, Rey!” they cheer. The walls are plastered with balloons and congratulations banners, the coffee table laden with her favorite drinks and snacks.

“Oh my god, thanks so much,” Rey babbles, after recovering from the initial shock. She accepts the glass of champagne that Poe shoves in her hand with a baffled smile, dazed as everyone claps her back or gives her a one-armed hug.

“You did this for me?” she asks Finn, once she extricates herself.

“Well, actually, it was all him.” He points his bottle towards the corner of the room, where Ben leans against the wall and nonchalantly sips his drink, keeping to himself at the edge of the crowd, as usual. “I just had to get you here.”

Rey should have known— there are real plates instead of paper ones and glasses instead of red solo cups, plus a charcuterie board with figs and prosciutto and cheeses she can’t even name. She stares and stares at Ben, hoping she isn’t making googly eyes. “I...wow. Thank you both.”

She makes several attempts to approach him, but everytime she tries to shoulder through the crowd, someone intercepts her and bombards her with questions. When Rey steals glances at him during these meandering conversations, his eyes almost always meet hers, and they share tiny smiles. 

Towards the end of the party, Ben taps a spoon against his wine glass to get everyone’s attention, as if this is a much fancier party. “Hi everyone, thanks so much for coming out tonight.”

“Woohoo!” Poe cheers, and Finn shushes him loudly.

Rey can tell Ben is a little flustered at all of the eyes on him, and flashes him a thumbs-up from across the room.

He clears his throat and turns back to the crowd. “As you all probably know, Rey will begin pursuing a master’s in clinical psychology this fall, at Bespin University. We all know that Rey is pretty much always the smartest person in the room, and I got to see that every week when we met to work on her applications. I really can’t imagine anyone more deserving of this— I hope you’re as proud of your accomplishment as we are, and we can’t wait to see what’s next for you.”

Ben raises his glass, his eyes locked on hers. “To Rey.”

Once the party winds down, Ben manages to dismiss everyone who offers to help clean up, including Finn and Poe, but Rey refuses to budge, resolutely washing the last of the dishes in the sink long after the last guest has left.

After taking out the trash, Ben sidles up next to her to help her load the dishwasher, her shoulders pressed into his side.

“Thank you for this,” Rey says, as he maneuvers an enormous platter into the rack, his brow wrinkled in concentration. He’s trying to Tetris all of the dishes into fitting and so far, he’s losing.

“It wasn’t too much?”

“No, no, it was perfect,” Rey assures him. She isn’t always a huge fan of attention, but the party had been genuinely lovely. “The charcuterie was 10/10. Your speech, too.”

“Really? I thought about reading my rec letter for you, but I thought that would be too cheesy,” Ben laughs sheepishly.

 _Cheesy?_ “Ooh, I’m curious now,” Rey says teasingly, and hands him the last plate. “What are my strengths and weaknesses?”

Ben gives her a measured smile, before turning to the dishwasher. “Maybe I’ll share it with you someday.”

They fall silent as they continue to clean up, and Rey tries not to think about what in the letter was too mushy to share with everyone. “When are you supposed to find out about the job?” she asks.

“Hopefully before spring break ends.”

“I’m sorry if I messed this up for you.” Rey casts her eyes down at his tiled floor, her fist clenching around a handful of dripping spoons. “I know how Amilyn can be. I don’t even know why she’s even okay with any of this.”

Since moving out, Rey has had a series of strained phone conversations with Amilyn that concluded with an agreement to remain “discreet,” but to let their divorce be an open secret of sorts. Amilyn is still less than pleased about Rey’s decision, but there isn’t really anything for her to hold over her head anymore— except for this.

Ben pries the utensils from her hands, achingly gentle. “I...may have had a word with her. About how much this means to you.”

“You did what?” Rey gapes at him. “Oh God, if she didn’t hate you before—”

“Rey, it’s really fine,” he says wearily. “It won’t be the end of the world if I don’t get it.”

“But you deserve it.”

“I’m glad we agree. But if it doesn’t work out...it was 100% worth it,” Ben says, wetting his lips. “Rey...I didn’t agree to help you because of what you could do for me — I did it because I care about you. And I talked to Amilyn for the same reason. Being your friend is more than I could have ever hoped for, but you should know—”

Rey flings the serving spoon she’s holding away; before it even hits the sink, she’s surging up to seal their lips together, unable to remember the reasons why she held herself back for so long. Ben stumbles back in surprise, but then he’s cupping her face with those enormous hands and kissing her back, his tongue tracing the seam of her mouth.

They stagger away from the sink, still entwined. Ben lifts her up and sets her on the countertop so their faces are finally level, and Rey tangles her hands in his hair, her heart thudding against her ribs, full to bursting.

Ben pulls away after what could be thirty seconds or thirty years, his chest heaving, and buries his face in her neck, leaving soft, open-mouthed kisses that make her shiver. He still remembers exactly what she likes.

“I’ve never stopped thinking about you,” Rey whispers, all in a rush, tightening her grip in his hair.

Ben raises his head, and her pulse quickens when she sees how wild-eyed he looks. “That makes two of us.”

Rey leans her forehead into his, still catching her breath. She can barely remember her own name, every cell in her body sighing _Ben Ben Ben_. “Are we really doing this?”

“That depends.” He kisses the tip of her nose, stroking her cheek with his thumb. “Do you want me to take you home?”

“No,” Rey says, slow and deliberate, stretching out the word. There are many impossible conversations to have and decisions to make, but for now, she just wants him and this and everything else she’s been dreaming of for so long.

He pauses, his brow creasing. “You’re not gonna run away in the morning, right?”

“Maybe I’ll just never leave,” Rey quips, turning her head to kiss his palm, trying to reassure him through her touch.

Ben hitches her legs around his hips and scoops her up, grinning boyishly up at her. “Sounds perfect.”


	14. Chapter 14

Thanks to spring break, Rey and Ben are able to spend almost every waking (and sleeping moment) of the next two weeks together. Because of her earlier promise of discretion to Amilyn, it mostly consists of cuddling in bed with Netflix, eating takeout on Ben’s couch, and pretending to do work at the café while stealing glances at each other.

 _I’m not gonna say I told you so,_ Finn texts her, when she explains why she wasn’t there when he returned to his apartment the morning after the surprise party.

“You should come with me to my reunion,” Rey tells Ben one morning, perched on his kitchen counter as he bustles around making breakfast. “Make up for missing yours.”

He steps between her legs and sets a plate of pancakes and sunny side-up eggs beside her, smirking faintly. “Oh yeah? What are you gonna introduce me as?”

She flushes at his expectant stare, casting her eyes down at the jiggly yolks, the syrup pooling on the plate. “My boyfriend. I mean, if that’s—”

Ben mercifully shuts her up with a kiss, and that’s that.

That weekend, they go to Sunday dinner at the Solo-Organa house and tell Leia that they’re a couple over an elaborate chicken tagine. Leia gasps and leaps up from the table to embrace Rey, her eyes gleaming, while Ben rolls his eyes and pretends to be exasperated.

“Your dad would be so happy,” Leia blubbers to Ben, who just stares at the floor. 

“I could practically see her daydreaming about grandbabies,” he says on the drive home, shaking his head. “We’re never gonna hear the end of it.”

Normally something like this would have sent Rey into a spiral of panic, but she just laughs it off and cranks up the radio. Almost nothing feels off-limits for them; it feels like they’ve been together for much longer than a measly two weeks. After all, as Finn notes over brunch, they’ve essentially been in a relationship since September, one that had been nearly twelve years in the making.

As much as she’s enjoying this, Rey can’t help but worry that their happiness is a bubble that’s about to burst. Everytime that Ben attempts to broach the subject about the future, Rey shushes him. “Let’s wait until you hear back about the job.”

“It feels like you’re avoiding a more serious conversation,” Maz says when Rey shares this.

“I just...I want to live in our bubble a little longer,” Rey admits. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy.”

It’s true— she feels a ridiculous burst of giddiness every time she gets a text from Ben, which Poe and Rose always tease her about when they notice the stupid grin on her face. Whenever something ridiculous happens in the office or she reads something interesting online, he’s the first person she wants to share it with. No matter what they’re doing— folding clothes, bickering over what type of pizza to order, reading side-by-side— Rey takes a moment to wonder how she got so lucky.

“So you’re afraid that talking about what’s next will change that,” Maz notes, adjusting her glasses.

“It’s just— I’m leaving soon, and he’s hopefully gonna be staying here,” Rey replies, worrying at her lip. “Bespin’s only a few hours away, but I’m just afraid that it’s gonna change everything between us, and he’ll realize this isn’t worth it.”

“What’s making you feel that way? Has he given any indication of that?”

“I...I don’t know,” she says, her shoulders slumping, before snorting. “Must be my abandonment issues.”

“How are _you_ feeling about this?” Maz asks, tapping her ballpoint pen against her notepad. “What do you want to be next for you two?”

“I just...I don’t want to fuck this up again,” Rey confesses. “I don’t know about getting married again, but I want— I want him in my life. Maybe forever.”

Maz gives her the wry smile that means that she’s arrived at the correct answer. “Now you just need to tell him that.”

They’re sitting at Ben’s kitchen table, clacking away at their laptops, when Ben interrupts the series of cat videos that Rey has been watching. “Oh, email from President Kenobi— looks like Amilyn’s gonna be the dean.”

Rey has heard rumors from Finn and other administrative staff, so she isn’t surprised. “Oh wow, congrats to her. Guess I should call her.”

It’s slightly aggravating that Rey moved out and the world _hadn’t_ imploded, meaning that, as she’d argued a million times, the months of tense cohabitation were likely for nothing. But as it turns out, when you’re so wholly happy, it’s a little difficult to hold a grudge.

Ben gets a new notification and stiffens. His eyes hungrily scan the screen, and he lets out a shaky breath. “Oh shit. I got the job.” 

“Are you serious?” When he nods, Rey squeals and leaps to her feet, wrapping her arms around him. “Go call your mom!”

As Ben shares the good news with Leia in the other room, a complicated swell of emotions crashes over her. She’s genuinely thrilled for him, of course— he was applying for other positions, some closer to Bespin and others farther, but Takodana has always been number one— but there’s an uneasiness there, too. She wishes she could be happier for him, that her stomach wouldn’t twist into knots at the thought of what’s coming next.

When he returns, still looking shaken, Rey plasters on a grin. “Should we get out the champagne?”

Ben sits back down, folding his hands in front of him. “I think I’d rather talk about us,” he says cautiously, like he’s afraid of spooking her.

“The two aren’t mutually exclusive,” Rey quips, sighing when Ben gives her a thoroughly unimpressed stare. “Alright, fine. Let’s do this.”

It looks like he’s waiting for her to go first, so she takes a deep breath. “I know it’ll be tough, but if you do, too, I really want to make this work.”

Relief floods through her when his face softens and he reaches out to grasp her hand. “Rey, I want that, too. More than anything. It’s not ideal, of course, but we’ll do what we need to do.”

“Oh, thank God.” She lets out a watery laugh and looks down at their intertwined hands. “It’s just...it’s hard to believe that anyone would be willing to do this for me.”

“Rey, there are so many people who would do anything for you. I’m just one of them,” Ben says, achingly gentle. “And don’t forget that this is very much for me, too. A five hour drive won’t feel like anything if I get to see you.”

Rey knows she could just leave the conversation there, but she wants to make Maz proud. “I...I really like you,” she confesses, still not looking at him. It sounds horrifically lame, so she tries again. “I just want you in my life. I— I want you to be my future.”

She finally meets his gaze, and the tenderness she finds there is almost too much to handle. “I love you, too,” Ben says, a faint smile tugging at his mouth.

He scoots his chair back and opens his arms, and Rey immediately crawls into his lap, burying her face in his shirt as she tries and fails not to bawl. She’d known it deep down, of course, but hearing him say it out loud is something else.

The skittish foster kid, the wide-eyed freshman— they never could have imagined that she’d ever get to feel so completely safe and loved.

When Rey finally re-emerges, Ben is stroking her hair, still smiling at her. She wipes away a stray tear. “Of course I have to leave right after we get our shit together.”

He chuckles, tucking a loose strand behind her ear. “Good timing is definitely not our thing.”

While waiting in line for coffee with Finn, Rey is absentmindedly scrolling through her phone when she gets an email notification— something from Ben. _Just felt like it today_ , reads the subject line.

There’s a PDF attachment: _Rey Rec Letter - First Draft._

Her heart races as she opens it up and begins reading. She’s barely gotten through the first paragraph before tears start to well in her eyes.

“Oh my God, are you actually crying right now?” Finn looks incredulously at her, watching as she tries to dab them away without anyone noticing. “Love has made you such a sap.”

“Shut up.” Rey opens up her text thread with Ben. _I love you_ , she types, without thinking.

Just as she’s sending the text, Rey realizes that this is technically the first time that she’s directly said it to him and begins to panic. There’s only one person in front of her and Finn in line now and she doesn’t have time for damage control.

But Ben’s reply comes less than thirty seconds later: **_I know._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just the epilogue left :)


	15. Epilogue

Rey makes it clear to Ben from the beginning that she doesn’t know if she’ll ever be ready to get married again, but after several years, she comes around on her own. She knows that he’s it for her— plus, the tax benefits are substantial.

“Let’s get married,” Rey says out of the blue one day, as they amble through his neighborhood during one of her weekend visits. 

Ben freezes in his tracks. “Are you serious?”

“You know I don’t joke about—” Rey makes a muffled noise as he cuts her off with a searing kiss.

She and Amilyn both agreed that weddings were tools of the patriarchy, but theirs wound up being fairly traditional, with handwritten calligraphy invitations and Italian catering. With Ben, Rey doesn’t want anything like that, especially since she’s marrying a man this time— though she’s determined to make this one stick.

Rey and Ben originally plan to go to the courthouse the day after she finishes her postdoc at Chandrila, only an hour away from Takodana, before leaving on a quick honeymoon. But when the list of people they want there grows too long, they decide that they do want something approaching an actual ceremony and reception.

Leia offers to let them use her gorgeous yard, and Rose volunteers to plan a late summer wedding with an aesthetic she calls “quaint,” but Ben more accurately describes as “us being cheap and lazy.” Rose finds her a flowy floral dress at a nearby thrift shop, and Finn and Poe forage in their yard and craft tasteful wildflower arrangements. Uncle Chewie, once a champion baker, makes the cake, and they ask all of the guests to bring their own folding chairs and a beverage of their choice (alcoholic or otherwise), arranging the bottles on a card table and dubbing it the “open bar.” 

On the big day, she and her “bridesmates” get her ready in one of the guest bedrooms. “Are you ready, peanut?” Finn asks with a squeeze to her shoulder.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Rey says, squinting at herself in the mirror as Rose puts the finishing touches on her makeup. “You don’t get as many wedding jitters the second time around.”

He looks fondly down at his wedding band. “I hope I’ll never find out for myself.” 

Rey smiles at him in the mirror, reaching up to clasp his hand. “I have a feeling you won’t.”

Uncle Lando and his band play wedding standards as Ben walks down the aisle with Leia, followed by the bridesmates and then Rey, arm and arm with Finn. Ben beams from ear to ear when he sees her; there’s more gray in his hair now, but he looks as dashing as ever in one of his conference suits.

Leia had become ordained just so she could officiate their wedding; the ceremony she leads is short but sweet, but doesn’t leave a single dry eye in the house.

“I promise not to buy the kind of hummus you don’t like,” Rey vows.

“I promise not to force you to eat the one I do,” Ben vows in return.

During their first dance as a married couple, they cling to one another and sway slowly, Rey’s face pressed into Ben’s shoulder. They’re surrounded by the soft glow of the fireflies and the laughter of the people they love most in the world, and Rey doesn’t think she’s ever felt more at peace.

“How are you feeling, Professor Solo?” Ben murmurs.

“Excuse you, I’m keeping my last name. It’s Professor Niima,” Rey says, smiling teasingly at him. Her husband, her person— it’s still all so surreal.

“And I’m feeling pretty fucking great,” she adds, standing on tiptoe to slant her lips against his.

In a little over two weeks, Rey will start her first day as an assistant professor of psychology at Takodana. There’s so much uncertainty right now— Ben is going up for tenure this year, and she’s starting her career over a decade later than planned— but for the first time in her life, Rey finds that she doesn’t really mind.

She’s home in Takodana, with Ben and Finn and everyone else at her side, and that’s enough for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll definitely be calling my bridal party my bridesmates 😋
> 
> That's it from me, folks! Thanks for reading ❤️


End file.
